PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS

Teenage boys need to watch movies and so this exists. It’s got monsters and gods and lightning or some shit. Plus guys with horse asses, for that lucrative zoophile demographic. I guess this movie is about going to the Bermuda Triangle to find the Golden Fleece. The commercial told me that. So it’s just floating in the ocean and they boat there and get it. Oh, spoilers.


THE CONJURING

I’m stoked for this because I have nerd love for James Wan, the director of this film. The last horror movie I saw was “Evil Dead” and that was pretty dope, unless you count “World War Z,” which I also liked and I suppose qualifies as horror. Maybe 2013 will be the year of awesome horror movies. No it won’t, because “Paranormal Activity 5” is coming out this year, can you believe that shit? How many times does a guy have to shit in your popcorn before you stop paying to let it happen? None of those movies have been good. None. Not the first one and certainly not the last one, so stop it. STOP IT!

That said, hurray for “The Conjuring”!

PLANES

I could have sworn this movie came out like a month ago, but maybe I was thinking of who gives a shit else. Maybe “Cars 2.” When did that come out? I have no idea.  Listen, this movie is “Cars 3.” If your kid is dumb enough to go for this, maybe after the movie, drive him or her to the doctor, run some basic tests to see if the ol’ elevator is even getting close to the top floor.
 





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