Yesterday, I got hoodwinked into seeing “R.I.P.D.” I wanted to see “The Conjuring” but my feelings don’t matter and my desires are ignored like so much trash on the side of the road. Thanks for nothing, so-called friends. So I saw that mediocre film and now I can never get that hour and 51 minutes back. Here’s what I should have done instead:

  1. Watched any other movie in theaters right now with the exception of “Planes”
  2. Tried to fill a balloon with nothing but farts
  3. Threw my hands up in the air and waved them around like I just didn’t care
  4. Made a list of funny synonyms for masturbating
  5. Had sex 15 times
  6. Put a small saddle on my dog and forced him to give rides to vermin
  7. Scratched my balls
  8. Had a nap
  9. Got high on peyote and tried to commune with nature
  10. Masturbated
 



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