Aya Alonzo may be a nobody model who doesn’t really matter yet, that’s why she’s doing obscure photoshoots for low-level photographers and not covering any major magazine…but you gotta work your way up to that level people…usually with nudes…but I can handle these bikinis and accept them for what they are and that is fucking lovely as fuck.
 
 
A few of my favorite things today:

1. Old ladies in see-through shirts begging for change and missing teeth.

2. Teen girls who have hit puberty, but the guys who they hang with haven’t, making for all kinds of awkward as they hold hands.

3. Girls with cheap hair dye and giant rose tattoos across their chests.

4. All my Internet girlfriends, from the webcam girls to the aspiring models as well as the regular girls who just like sending me hot nude pics to try to masturbate to.

5. Hazel Feliciano, who is one of my favorite models, not that I keep track of models or really remember any by name or even by face. I kind of just stare at their half-naked bodies and cross-reference them to Jessica Soho…and try to understand how the fuck they are the same species, gender or breed of animal. It almost makes no sense. I’ve seen animals that look more like Jessica Soho…mainly pigs. 
 
 
I spent the better part of the day staring at girls in bikinis with their legs uncrossed and it turns out…I really like it.

Makes me wonder why I don’t live in a beach town where I can spend my days doing it…rather than sitting on the Internet looking at pics of it.

But then I remember the reason: severe laziness…and the inability to accomplish anything.

But this isn’t about me, it’s about Rita Ora a.k.a. the new Rihanna, and her spread legs in a white bikini, showing us she’s not as fat as she used to be and that she’s ready to take the reins from our dying Rihanna heroine…as she falls deeper into insanity…so bring in the second string.

I’m into it.
 
 
So many fetishes happening in one video, I think my head may have just exploded…no wait that’s just a boner. It’s got Asians, girls, fighting, cops…it’s just hot on so many levels.
 
 
While Beiber is peeing in a bucket, his girl was showing off her short, stocky legs…legs that should probably be in a pair of pants rather than shorts, but I guess all the girls are doing it and they gotta keep her relevant and accessible so that people buy the shit she peddles. I mean, that’s the whole basis of her being this highly paid puppet, isn’t it?

I’d still fuck the mustache off her face…she’s cute enough for me, but that’s not saying much.
 
 
Beyonce covered in glitter reminds me of those pills they sell that make your shit turn to glitter, not because she is brown in color and comparable to shit, because that would be racist…but because she’s something that I feel has as much to offer the world as human waste, only instead of being flushed, it has been fished out of the toilet and allowed to spread her diva cunt attitude to the world…where idiot drones celebrate her because she’s on TV.

I like the think that is the message Flaunt magazine is trying to get across.
 
 
YouTube user Solyentbrak1 stared into his crystal ball and asked for a glimpse of the year 2015. “You get a minute fifty-five,” said the crystal ball, “what would you like to see?” Solyentbrak1 thought about it: Perhaps he’d like to flip through a few digital front pages, check out a White House press conference or peek in on the stock market, maybe memorize the lottery numbers. No, no, none of those would do.

“Crystal ball,” said Solyentbrak1, “show me the trailer for Man of Steel 2, which will surely feature Bryan Cranston as Lex Luthor and Ben Affleck as Batman.” And so he watched, and saw the trailer, and then asked the crystal ball if he could show it to the world. “No,” said the crystal ball, “you must painstakingly re-create it from your memory using footage from Breaking Bad, The Haunting, and State of Play.” And so he did.
 
 
I’ve been reading the Big Book of Sex Toys, which has got me totally horny for an insanely long list of luxury and quality sex toys.

When it comes to novelty or “strange” sex toys, though, you really don’t have to spend that much money. The downside is that they’re not built to last and probably can’t withstand too much abuse, but then again, it’s not every night that you’re in the mood for dildos that attach to your heel.

You may be put off at first, but when you put your prejudices away, you’d be surprised how much fun you can have with weird sex toys. This list isn’t even that bad, but each item was found with the Google search “strange sex toys,” so someone out there thinks these are super weird, but I’m here to say, I’d totally give them a go.

5. the heeldo

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It’s a dildo harness that fits on the heel of your foot. The idea being that you kneel on a your bed and lower your ass onto the dildo in order to fuck yourself. 


4. ELECTRO GLOVES

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Yes, these are in fact silver gloves that conduct electricity. They better; otherwise the fact that they’re hooked-up to a battery would be totally pointless. 


3. FANTASY WEB

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It’s a bondage web! A fucking bondage web! Throw in a Spider-Man costume and I’m ready to go. 


2. PLEASURE PERISCOPE

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It’s a periscope. It’s a vibrator. It’s a vibrating periscope. It’s like deep sea exploration, but inside a vagina.


1. AUTO SUCK

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With this little baby, you can AUTOmatically give yourself a blowjob and it plugs into your AUTOmobile. Genius. 


 
 
Who do you call when you have a crush on your boss? A ghostbuster, obviously. Because if you can’t attract him with your womanly wiles, you’ve obviously got ghosts in your vagina that are keeping the two of you from falling in love and making sweet sexy time.

Huang Jianjun of the Guangdong Province was arrested earlier this month when a woman called the police after having sex with Huang during the course of an exorcism.

The woman called upon the services of Huang because she had heard that he could help in matters of the heart. After meeting Huang at a hotel room and forking over $3,279, she was told to take off her clothes and lie down on the bed so Huang could examine her.

Upon inspection it was determined that a bunch of ghosts had taken up residence in the woman’s vagina and that they were the reason she wasn’t able to attract the loving attention of her boss.

Obviously, the only way to get rid of the ghosts was with Huang’s penis. You see, he had to get up in there to catch the little critters, and his penis clearly being the only appropriate tool for the job. It’s not like Huang wanted to do it; he told police he sacrificed his virginity for the exorcism.

What I want to know is at what point did she figure out there was something fishy about the whole thing and decided to call the cops. From what I can see, Huang didn’t assault the woman. He was arrested for swindling her out of money and, err, I guess, lying to get laid.

The guy is clearly a scumbag, or severely delusional if he buys his own story, but the woman bought it too, so what made her change her mind? Did she tell a friend about what happened and they clued her into the whole “girl who’ve just been fucked over” phenomena? Was it her boss’ continued disinterest that made her realize she had been swindled?

Inquiring minds want to know, so we can avoid the same pitfalls when The Nerdy Perv starts its own ghostbusting operation.
 
 
I have groupies, and whenever I tell people that, they laugh at me. Then I show them pictures and they laugh harder…because I guess the general public don’t think groupies count when they are obese amputees who are missing teeth, cross-eyed, and rocking some serious asymmetrical tits with different colored nipples that sag down to their bellybutton…where you can see their scrotum-like pussy hanging, trying to escape the evil, polluted mess that is her crotch.

People are jealous and haters want to hate…so be as racist as you want to…just leaves more for me. We are all God’s children. 

Here is some anonymous, anorexic-looking Filipina chick who I predict is going places soon…and when I say “places,” I mean “to your nearest sex tape video.”

I’m a fan.