Being cool on Facebook is an art form that I’ve mastered through years of trial and error. Here’s what I’ve learned.

When it comes to being awesome on the web, it’s important to remember that less is more. Think of yourself as an Internet minimalist, if you will, and avoid making status updates like this one: “Had a beautiful day out with the BF! We ate Thai food, and went to SM to look for new curtains. Now it’s time to watch ‘How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days’ in bed! Snuggle.”

There are so many things that are uncool about this. First off: Go fuck yourself because I’m single and starving and Thai food sounds amazing right now. Secondly: You’re going to SM to pick out curtains and spending your night watching an almost-funny rom-com? We all do that. We all go to SM to pick up our face wash and deodorant and spend the occasional night in watching DVDs. 

I mean, cool people can’t be going to super cool parties and be hanging out with super cool people all the time. Sometimes they need to detox by having a night of eating pickles out of a jar and googling Justin Bieber. The difference between the cool and the uncool is that the cool person never talks about doing any of these mundane activities. It makes them sound just like everybody else and that’s their worst nightmare. They are not like you, okay? They are golden gods who crap Polaroids and sweat Marc Jacobs perfume.
If for some reason, you haven’t left your apartment in a few days or done anything noteworthy, you can write something like, “Having the worst anxiety. Taking a Valium, burning sage and listening to The Cocteau Twins. Never leaving my apartment.” This status works on so many levels of cool. Having anxiety, for example, is really cool. Being anxious and not knowing how to deal with things/life/boyfriends is in right now so it’s totally okay to write about drugs like Valium on the Internet. You can never write about cocaine or mushrooms or acid because that’s just too real, but discussing anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills like Ambien is socially acceptable.

Listening to The Cocteau Twins will always be cool and saying that you’ll never leave your apartment is hyperbolic and therefore super funny. Everyone will know that you’re mostly kidding and that you’re just decompressing from your super cool fun stressful life.
Now lets talk about your actual Facebook profile. On your Interests section, don’t write things like, “Hiking. Tennis. Laughing Till It Hurts. Hanging with my girls and getting crazy!” Instead, type in lower case letters (it’s more whimsical) and say things like, “cashmere. sleepovers. goths.” That’s it. Only write three vague things that don’t actually reveal anything about your personality. It will leave people wanting more and thinking, “Who is this person who types in lowercase and likes cashmere, sleepovers and Goths?” A cool person, that’s who!

When it comes to the music section, keep it similarly short and sweet. You need to list two hip bands next to a mainstream one. Write something like, “the slits. tiger trap. katy perry.” because you know what’s cooler than a cool person liking cool bands? A cool person liking an uncool artist. It’s just so…unexpected.
Let’s talk about your photos. If you really want to be dedicated, you’ll only make your profile pictures visible. In this technological age, you can’t trust that your best friend Chloe isn’t going to tag a photo of you drunk and eating a hotdog. (Remember that Chloe secretly hates you and wants to see you fail.)

But I understand that most cool kids are too narcissistic for that and they need their friends to see any and all photos of them dancing in that downtown club doing meth off of John Lloyd Cruz’s penis. (Just kidding on that last part. The Internet doesn’t know you do meth.)

Just be very particular about which photos stay tagged. Don’t exceed over 500 because it makes you look like a desperate socialite. De-tag photos taken with a cheap digital camera. Allow only Polaroids, Lomography, and photos taken with a Yashica T4.

Let these photos project a sense of superiority and effortlessness and always keep the following pictures tagged: You on yachts, eating McDonald’s on a sidewalk outside of a club, hanging out with your fabulous best friend who equals you in coolness (in reality, she might be a sociopath nightmare but you guys look great together in photos), the occasional “I’m real and have a family” photo of you and your niece, holding a champagne bottle, talking on your iPhone 5S in a cab, hiking in Tagaytay in a crop-top to show that you’re healthy and exercise and don’t do too many drugs. Last but not least: any and all photos of you looking expensive.
So that’s it. You’re cool on Facebook now. Have fun but also be careful. One photo of you holding a nondescript red cup of booze with the friends from your “old life” and you’re back to writing about eating Thai food with your boyfriend.
 
 
I thought it was kind of obvious that people with more income had the stability to enjoy a healthier sex life—after all, nothing kills a boner faster than worrying about how you’re going to make rent. While I initially concluded that you couldn’t achieve a richer sex life by simply making more money, a new study by the Barcelona Public Health Agency says otherwise.

After administering a sex survey to 9,850 Spaniards in 2009, researchers finally got around to crunching all that data and found that an impressive 90 percent of the country’s men and women are satisfied with their sex lives. Upon further review, however, they found an interesting correlation between wealth and orgasms.

It was discovered that people of lower socioeconomic status claimed to be less satisfied sexually than their more wealthy counterparts. This correlation between wealth and sexual satisfaction was most apparent among women, where privileged Spaniards exhibited “better awareness of their own needs and a greater capacity for developing their sexuality in a way which is satisfying for them.”

Many recognize that sexual health is a reflection of one’s overall state of physical, emotional, and social wellbeing. It’s not that having sex on a pile of money is more gratifying than fucking on a lumpy mattress in a small apartment; wealthy people just have the resources to lead a healthier life.

That being said, if you are unhappy with your sex life and becoming flagrantly rich isn’t an option, just focus on becoming happier in other areas of your life. Resolve some of your nagging emotional problems, live a healthier life, and learn to live with as little stress as you can within your current means.

Everyone is always looking to hit that homerun in life that will solve all their problems, but the truth is you can become just as happy through a series of small accomplishments. You’ll be having more and better sex in no time.
 
 
We all like to think the country we live in is the best at something. With that in mind, when you actually look into it, you’ll find that a lot of countries are the best at rather odd or unexpected things. Consider for example that…

5. AFGHANISTAN: DRUGS

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Anyone who’s seen the Rambo movies think Afghanistan is full of nothing but people playing sheep ball. However, the country is actually one of the drug capitals of the world. Cannabis, hashish, opium and heroin are all shipped by the metric ton from a place that 30% of the people in the world can’t locate on a map.

4. VENEZUELA: BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

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Some people say beauty pageants give women an unhealthy body image and are massively anti-feminist, but as Lisa Simpson once said, “that’s what a fat girl would say.”

We jest, but the so called “big four beauty pageants” are where some of the world’s most objectively attractive women meet to be judged by people who get to write “staring at people in bikinis” on their resumes.

By far Venezuela has the most Big 4 wins with 19, five more than America (the second place winner) and 11 more than India, the third place winner. Now, we know that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but be honest: how many of you are debating going to Venezuela for a vacation after reading this?

3. SWITZERLAND: NOT BRIBING PEOPLE

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Bribes are commonplace just about everywhere, except in Switzerland. Now, most people’s image of the Swiss is a bunch of people in funny hats, eating chocolate while clocks-a-plenty chime in the background. We don’t really picture them as shrewd businessmen, let alone honest ones. Hell, does anyone picture a businessman anywhere being honest?

Well, according to the Bribe Payers Index, which is apparently a thing, the Swiss are the unlikeliest group of people to slip someone a bribe. Russia and China are the most dishonest countries in this category. 

2. RUSSIA: BILLIONAIRES

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When you think of Russia, you probably think of a bunch of people wearing furry hats and drinking bottles of vodka by the crate to stave off the cold. Sure, we’ve all heard the rumors about Russia being full of billionaires, but did you know that’s no mere rumor? Turns out, the city of Moscow alone has 64 billionaires living there.

1. ISRAEL: SOCIAL MEDIA

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Social media dominates the online landscape these day. Even on this very site, you’ll see links to share this article on Facebook, Twitter and  Google Plus. It’s unavoidable, but strangely, it’s not the Philippines that uses social media the most. It’s Israel.

Though exact numbers are hard to pin down, Israeli citizens used social media almost twice as much as people in the US, which would make them the most avid users of social media on Earth. In fact, social media is such a problem that the Israeli government has had to crack down on soldiers using the service after a female soldier uploaded “racy pictures” of herself to her Facebook profile.

Say what you want; we’ll bet you never expected to learn Israeli soldiers are so into Instagram their government had to step in and tell them to cut the crap.

 
 
I’ve always had a thing for brainy women with bad attitudes, but it can be difficult to ascertain someone’s intelligence by just looking at them. After starting conversations with smart-looking girls wearing glasses and cardigan sweaters, I’ll often become too invested before realizing they think mermaids are real or evolution is the work of the devil.

Appearances can be deceiving, but according to scientists from the University of Oxford, there might be a way to tell which women are more likely to be intelligent with a simple glance.

After analyzing the physical characteristics, health and intelligence of over 16,000 women, scientists were able to determine that women with larger than average butts were not only resistant to chronic illnesses but also increasingly intelligent. 

Professor Konstantinos Manolopoulos led the study and says women with more junk in the trunk tend to have higher levels of Omega 3 fats which have been proven to catalyze brain development. It was also determined that children born to women with wider hips were found to be more intelligent than children born to slimmer mothers. It sounds like the collective scientific community is trying to hit on fat ass chicks.

While this research was conducted by a reputable university, it should still be taken with a grain of salt. I’ve certainly met very slender women who were catastrophically smart and large-bottomed girls as dumb as the rocks you can bounce off their ass.

Researchers aren’t suggesting we give Kim Kardashian a full scholarship to MIT, they are simply pointing out a correlation between big butts and high IQs. Still, there are numerous studies that suggest women who carry their weight around the middle are more likely to be healthy and live longer than others.

Big booty girls tend to have lower levels of cholesterol and glucose while having more of the hormones that help them regulate weight throughout the rest of their body. This results in lower instances of heart disease, diabetes and other chronic illnesses. 
 
 
People all over the world go through extreme measures to increase their sexual potency. While there are readily available medications to treat a wide range of sexual problems, many prefer the natural route. As an avid fan of The Travel Channel, I’ve seen people ingest all manner of animal penis and reptile hearts in order to have a boner for as long as possible.

While the still-beating heart of a rattlesnake may very well be my favorite food that I haven’t tried yet, it would be a lot easier for me if something as simple as chocolate had the same effect.

A group of scientists from Belgium agree, and they’ve spent seven years trying to prove it. After countless hours of research and collaborations with other countries, they’ve finally determined why sex and chocolate always seem to go together.

This would also explain why the average chocolate commercial contains more sexual references than a prostitute’s résumé.

It was discovered that the natural antioxidants in chocolate, known as flavanols, help promote blood flow. Since sexual arousal occurs when blood rushes to the genitals, they reasoned cocoa acts like a natural Viagra. Scientists even determined how much chocolate is needed to maximize one’s performance in the bedroom.

Ten grams of dark chocolate had enough flavanols to increase the flow of blood to erotic blood vessels for six to eight hours, with a two-hour window where the effect peaks in performance. Groovy!

We could all sit here and argue that Belgium, one of the world’s leading chocolate exporters, has a lot to gain from promoting this research and that we should check out who funded the project and where their supporting data is – but we’re not nerds. Instead, we should all go out and buy some chocolate so we can stuff our faces before making love.

Sex and chocolate are two of life’s great pleasures. Let’s not ruin this with petty things like facts.
 
 
They say 95% of people admit to masturbating and the other 5% are liars. Ha ha, burn! Wankers. And it’s true that every so often you smack the walrus the right way and it feels alright so you keep doing it. It’s human nature. It’s dog nature. Have you ever seen a dog going to town on himself? You’d think he was getting paid. 

Everyone enjoys a good wank now and then and because of that, we’ve come up with numerous ways to refer to it. Some of these euphemisms are sublime while others, like “wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel” are things no one has ever actually said out loud in the history of ever. This list, however, features the best of the best. You never need to express your self-love with any other term ever again.

10. THE FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE

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A playful kind of sporting wank, the sort you do while listening to Top 40 on the radio.

9. TUG OF WAR WITH THE CYCLOPS

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More serious yet still fantastical enough to invoke terrible beasts of lore.

8. FLOGGING THE DOLPHIN

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A serious brand of self-pleasure that requires the brutal imagery of destroying one of nature’s wonders.

7. TAMING THE SHREW

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An elegant affair, like all Shakespeare in modern ages, and may include talking dirty to yourself with an English accent.

6. SECRET HANDSHAKE

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Very James Bond and very suave, this is a reward for a day of doing everything right.  You go, champ!

5. RUBBING ONE OUT

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This is all business, no times for bells and whistles. You have a job to do.

4. MAKING CHOWDER WITH SAILOR NED

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A real self-loathing kind of masturbation that you do when you’re angry or when you’re the kind of person who bathes at irregular intervals.

3. SPANKING THE MONKEY 

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The kind of fun and frolicking wank of simpler times, like during the summer’s of youth in the pond at camp.

2. JACKING OFF

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Done because it needs to be done.

1. STROKING

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Done because you care.

 
 
Want to be cool like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and the rest of Hollywood’s A-list? Here’s your blueprint.

1. TAKE A FREE PERSONALITY TEST

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Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. Some example questions: “Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?” “Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?” Here’s a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the “right” answers. Cheat away right here!

2. HIT THE BANK AND THE BOOKS (IN THAT ORDER)

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You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry, “fixed donations.” Entry-level courses will run you $50,100, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain’t cheap. One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church’s highest level at $380,000. Can’t afford classes? Then you can’t be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money.


3. DON’T BE GAY OR A JOURNALIST (SORRY, ANDERSON COOPER)

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Well, you can technically “be” gay, but you have to be an “ethics in” homosexual, which means you can’t actually “have” any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren’t allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.

4. LOCATE THOSE BAD MEMORIES

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It’s time to get hooked up to the Hubbard Electropsychometer or E-Meter, a biofeedback device dreamed up by the father of Scientology/shitty author, L. Ron Hubbard. You hold two electrodes that look like coffee cans while a Scientology minister has you recall happy and traumatic experiences from your life. The results will determine how many “engrams” you need to lose to free your “thetan.” More on those terms right now!

5. FREE THAT THETAN!

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According to Scientology, each person is an immortal spirit called a thetan whose earthly problems are all due to engrams a.k.a. extreme pain recorded in your mind.  As a “preclear,” you need to be “audited” so you can lose those engrams and free your thetan, but here’s the rub: since you’ve got trillions of engrams from all your past lives, it’s going to take time and yep, money. Purchased in 12.5-hour blocks, advanced auditing sessions costs $8,000 to $9,000.

6. SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

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Time to sign some legal contracts that have you deny any psychiatric care offered by doctors and, of course, pledge your loyalty for “the next billion years.” Now you’re finally privy to the more, um, interesting tenets of Scientology made available only to advanced members. Those thetans we talked about? They’re actually the souls of peopled killed by Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy who brought billions of his people to earth, dumped them into volcanoes and killed them with hydrogen bombs. (Hence the cover of Dianetics.) Sounds logical, no?

Sorry, but the rest of your journey happens behind closed doors. Good luck with that. But if you see evil lord Xenu, give him a swift kick in the nuts for us.

 
 
You don’t want to be a buzz kill, but it’s four o’clock in the morning and it sounds like you’re inside Jenna Jameson’s vagina. You and the neighbor need to chat. Here’s some tips on how to let them know…

1. GIVE A COMPLIMENT

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He or she may be more inclined to respect your request if you give a compliment along with it. “I really like that new car you just bought. Can you stop having loud sex in the middle of the night?”

2. WRITE A NOTE

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You may find that you fear confronting your neighbor. Scientists classify persons with such a fear as “gigantic pussies.” A hand written note can make it much less awkward. Simply slide under their door and run away as silently as possible.

3. BANG ON THE WALL

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Knocking on the wall during your neighbor’s intercourse says, “I am so bothered by your loud coitus that I cease to care that future interactions with you will be awkward.”

4. TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE

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You’ve tried everything else but he/she won’t stop. Do a little research and exact revenge. Maybe they’re a student and have a big test the next morning or a surgeon who has to administer a heart transplant. Wait till the wee hour, hire a local prostitute and a drifter, put a tarp down on your bed, and let the fireworks begin!  We’ll see how easy that open-heart surgery is tomorrow!

 
 
The world is filled with many interesting shapes and colors, and once in a while it’s just really hard to pay attention to what your girlfriend is saying. Here are some helpful tips to ensure you don’t get yelled at…

1. BLINK

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Women look you in the eyes when they talk to you. I know, it’s crazy. So, if your eyeballs have glazed over during her recap of the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy, she’ll notice.

2. NOD AND PURSE YOUR LIPS

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You can still enjoy the hilarity of witnessing a dog defecating in the distance behind your lady as well as appear attentive to what she’s saying, simply by nodding your head and pursing your lips. This makes her think you are digesting her comments and forming an articulate response.

3. LISTEN FOR KEYWORDS

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Words like “hate” and “amazing” allow you to decipher how she’s feeling without knowing what she’s talking about. Then you can reinforce her feelings by responding with “Yes, I hate that as well.”

4. BE A DETECTIVE

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She’s finished talking and wants to hear your thoughts. You have to be vague, since you have no idea what she just said. But too vague = lonely nights. Give an opinion and follow it up with a question whose answer may give you a clue as to what she’s been discussing: “That’s interesting. What made you think of that?”

 
 
Craigslist has abolished their “Erotic Services” section. Don’t worry, though: the sex-for-money business will always persevere, even if it means that we have to revert back to the ancient way of doing things, the way that our fathers and our fathers’ fathers did it, by utilizing a resource that has always been there for us: the phonebook. 
 
It’s important to use caution when proceeding with a phonebook hooker, to avoid getting ripped off, robbed, beaten, or even killed in your own home with your pants around your ankles.  However, by following these simple steps, you to can safely and easily access the calloused touch of a lady of the night.

STEP 1: BE DRUNK

There’s a good chance that if you’ve made the decision to call a hooker from a phonebook, you’re probably extremely drunk. If you’re not, then you should quickly drink as much as is humanly possible, and don’t stop until your doorbell rings. This is going to make the ensuing shit storm easier to weather, and it’s going to greatly assist your ability to find the troglodyte that limps into your apartment just bearable enough to tolerate, because she’s going to look like something that Rob Zombie drew on a mustard-stained napkin.

 STEP 2: KNOW WHERE TO LOOK

The phonebook is full of numbers, most of which do not lead to prostitutes.  Believe me: I probably dialed every "Hooker" in the White Pages before I figured out that it was just someone’s unfortunate last name. In order to find an actual prostitute, you’ll have to turn to the Yellow Pages. Don’t waste your time checking the H’s for “Hooker,” or even the P’s for “Prostitute.” Just flip to E, for “Escort.” You’ll find at least two full pages of phone numbers here. You’ve already decided to play STD Roulette, so deciding which particular service you contract that STD from is as easy as drunkenly pointing to the least blurry number on the page. Once you’ve dialed the number, try to be coherent enough to slur out your address and phone number.  There’s no need to speak in Navajo code like a Wind Talker or anything. The person on the other end knows exactly what you’re calling for.

STEP 3:  DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE ALLURE OF A THREESOME

After you’ve called “dispatch,” you’ll be instructed to wait for your hooker to call you back, because she currently has some dude’s penis in her mouth. After she swallows, she’ll call you from a blocked number. This is where things start to get a little tricky. She’s going to explain that she has a friend with her, and that they both want to come over. This will sound like the best fucking news you’ve ever heard, but you must not fall for this trap, because instead of one out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hooker walking into your house, TWO out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hookers will show up, and then you’ll have to pay both of them to walk around and look through your cabinets for an hour.

STEP 4: WEAR PANTS WHEN YOU ANSWER THE DOOR

Hookers take about as long as a pizza takes to arrive at your door. In fact, if you don’t mind sharing a pizza with a hooker, a fun game is to order both at the same time and see which one arrives first (hint: you’re always happier about the pizza). You’ll be tempted to come to the door naked, to let the hooker know that you’re ready. Reconsider this. Nothing will vanquish a boner faster than the terrifying pimp who’s staring down at you when you open the door. Try not to start crying, because he’s only there to let you know that he will stab you in the face if you don’t pay him, but he also wants you to “have a good time, bro.”

STEP 5: HAVE PLENTY OF CASH

I cannot stress this point enough: cash is the only reason that hookers and pimps are there to see you. They do not take checks, they hate being asked if they take checks, and they will be very unhappy if they discover that you don’t have any cash on you. If you find yourself in this situation, your immediate future looks pretty dismal: you’re drunk, unable to drive, and now you’re being inundated with threats from the pimp who’s been summoned back into your living room, backed by an endless chorus of “hell naw” and “nuhuh” from the hookers flanking him. This is bad news.  If you find yourself in this situation, you’ve got a few options:
 
1) Drive drunk to the nearest ATM, risk getting a DUI, and leave the pimp and hookers at your house to steal all of your belongings.
 
2) Tell them to get the fuck out of your house, then get promptly stabbed in the face.
 
3) Have the pimp and the two hookers drive you to the nearest ATM.
 
I think it’s obvious what your choice should be.  The drive to the ATM will be pleasant, but it will most certainly kill the mood.


STEP 6: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PAYING FOR

Don’t be afraid to go over exactly what your money is going to get you. After all, this is a business transaction. You wouldn’t go to McDonald’s and just hand them a wad of cash without knowing for sure that you’re getting a Big Mac. Giving all of your cash to the hookers without clarifying what you’ll get in return is an excellent way to end up sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch, awkwardly masturbating in front of them as they lazily “dance” to imaginary music, fully clothed, texting on their sidekicks until your time is up. Sure, it might seem like fun, but the only thing worse than getting scammed by two hookers is getting scammed by two hookers and then shamefully blowing a load in front of them. Trust me, I know.