I don’t really give a fuck about Cate Blanchett or award shows. Well, it turns out that award shows are pretty perverted, with jerking off trophies and shit, thanks to Cate Blanchett.
 
 
Amy Adams is old…pushing 40. She’s a mom and she’s boring…but she’s a redhead who isn’t scary to look at, which is a rare occurrence and probably why she works in Hollywood, because when they find them, they have to scoop them up and exploit them.

Her claim to fame was some Disney shit, and Lois Lane in “Man of Steel,” so I guess her career is at it’s peak after what was probably 20 years of working at it.
 
 
Emily Ratajkowski is the kind of woman I’d let spit in my face and be proud to have a restraining order served over. What’s wrong with girls with grown up girl breasts? I don’t get the allure of the flat girls twerking and gyrating in nightclubs. If I’m going to the trouble of figuring out how to unhook a bra, I want a little “something something” to reward my efforts.
 
 
As you may or may not know, 21-year-old Kate Upton has seen better days. Unfortunately, pop culture hasn’t really caught on to how fat and weirdly shaped she is, and dudes everywhere think her sloppy tits, weird hips, and dumpy ass are worth celebrating, making her one of the top paid swimsuit models.

That awkward body needs to be put out to pasture or shot for her meat…you know, to feed a starving African village that loves chubby blonde girls with tits.

To me, she represents all that is wrong with hormones in the food. She’s got the obesity gene and despite fighting it off as hard as she can, obesity is winning…even though the bitch is a fucking bikini model.

I get that people like curves, but these aren’t curves. This is like a fat girl who has melted into some kind of sloppy pile.

She’s now getting gigs in movies…it freaks me out…because I just don’t get it. She’s overrated…but in her defense, ugly chicks get laid too. They even get married. Clearly dudes are easy to please but shit still confuses me…
 
 
Singer, actress, and slut Anna Kendrick casually strolls around with her bra and cleavage completely exposed in the GIF above. Obviously, Anna Kendrick is showing her cleavage in an effort to distract from her hideous overbite. Unfortunately for Anna, she has failed as her breasts just aren’t that interesting.
 
 
Salma Hayek shows off her massive Mexican cleavage while scrubbing a toilet in the GIF above. It is not surprising that Salma Hayek is so flirty with her breasts, as everyone knows that nothing gets a Mexican woman in the mood quicker than when she is performing manual labor.
 
 
Rihanna may be played out. She may be on the verge of losing her fucking mind because the fame game is too much for some ghetto puppet from the islands to handle. People may hate her. They may find her annoying. They may call her out for being a talentless hack while trying to figure out why she’s famous when so many hotter, more talented bitches aren’t…you know, trying to sort out who she fucked when she was underage and who she has dirt on to secure this empire she’s built, because you know it wasn’t just a fluke…but I think she’s pretty fucking perfect…especially when she twerks.

I’m a fan.
 
 
Who needs anti-anxiety drugs when you can just stare at one of these babies all day? Just take a few deep breaths, relax your body, and let the GIFs take over. They will simultaneously turn you on and relax you the fuck out. They’re like sexy little mantras you do with your eyes. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and let the rhythm take you over. It’s better than transcendental meditation.

5.

Remember those 3D prints that were popular in the ’90s? You’d sort of look at them cross-eyed, lose focus, and a hidden design would suddenly appear. I was never really good at those, but when I stare at this ass long enough, I loose focus and go into a trance.

4.

And…pop goes the weasel! I love doing this and watching it ain’t bad either.

3.

This is another one where you can totally lose yourself just looking at that tongue flick back and forth and up again. I swear, hypnotherapists should forgo the swinging pendulum and start using porny GIFs.

2.

This right here is my idea of what I want to be doing. Right. Now. Forever.

1.

Wow. Just wow.
 
 
I give Jennifer Lawrence a lot of hate. I talk about how she’s signed up to some franchise like a sell-out and now everyone loves her. She has mass appeal and big tits and it’s a fucking package deal…but I guess I didn’t give her credit or look into her career in depth, all I saw was Hunger Games garbage…but turns out she did a legit gig and is nominated for an Oscar…and despite Oscar being a pile of lies from a phony industry, celebrating the phony people in it, all to make money while idiot fans a.k.a. the general public watch it like it’s a VIP event they can’t get into…well, it still counts for something beyond the Hunger Games hustle. So now I can kick back, push the hate aside, and stare at her tits like a normal fucking person…because I’m not as angry at her.