Last night I finally watched “The Human Centipede: First Sequence” on my iPad. The movie is about a wealthy German psycho-surgeon and his desire to stitch three human beings together, to create a human centipede. 

When the German psycho-surgeon is asked if he has a wife, he responds slowly, painfully, automatically, clearly: “No. I…don’t…like…human…beings.” Which sums him (and the movie) up pretty well, as does this photo of our post-Nazi psycho anti-hero running around his backyard with his human centipede…
In any case, what movie critic Roger Ebert said about the film begins to explain why I like it so much. He wrote:  “I am required to award stars to the movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don’t shine.”  

I like that.  

I like that which can’t be understood, which can’t be gauged by our typical ways of gauging and that is certainly my first reaction to “The Human Centipede.” When it began, I was thinking, “uh, this is a David Lynch film?” Five minutes later, I was thinking, “eh, this is a porno flick?” Eight minutes later, I was thinking, “ah, is this just your typical horror movie?” For the rest of the movie I was just thinking, “WHAT THE FUCK?”

So I praise it, and I think it is important—for the same reason many a people think Skrillex, “Breaking Bad,” and Sasha Grey are so amazing. It just feels refreshingly different from what has come before it, albeit the last horror film I saw was “Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones,” which is pretty much my point precisely.
 
 
This mother of four only weighs 120 pounds, but she makes no exceptions when it comes to clearing her plate! Molly Schuyler of Nebraska set a world record when she recently devoured a 72-ounce steak in under three minutes. According to Gawker, the current Guinness World Record for consuming a steak that size is 6 minutes and 48 seconds.
 
 
Amou Haji is an 80-year-old man who has chosen to live a solitary, nomadic life in Southern Iran. He hasn't bathed in 60 years and smokes a pipe filled with animal feces. Haji believes “cleanliness brings him sickness,” according to The Tehran Times.
Though his chosen lifestyle may seem a little off, including eating his favorite meal of dead, rotten porcupine, Haji may be happier than many who live that of a more conventional lifestyle. He says the lacking of material possession actually makes him happy.
 
 
Mexican authorities have asked armed vigilante groups to lay down their arms. The bands of gun toting citizens in the narco ruled area of Michoacan got together to defend their neighborhood from the drug cartels that basically run the place. The official Mexican government has been unable or unwilling to do anything about the organized crime rule because it’s too hard and you get less bribes or your head cut off when you do. To show you just how fucked up things are down there, the main gang they are fighting is called The Knights Templar. These fuckers dress up like knights and conduct weird ceremonies involving swords and sorcery and shit. It’s like a bunch of Renaissance fair nerds that are also vicious drug trafficking killers. So far the vigilantes have refused to give up their guns.

This is kind of like “Death Wish “with Charles Bronson. When the cops fail to take care of the uniquely multicultural gang members with perfect teeth on your block, you need to take justice into your own hands. I’m so glad I live in the Philippines. We have shit to bitch about in our own country, but at least we don’t have roving private armies of drug cartels with tanks and anti-aircraft missiles. There aren’t enough whores in Zaragoza to make me visit Mexico in the 21st century. I have no strong desire to be shot in the face. You keep on killing the bad guys, vigilantes. Until Superman gives a shit about Mexico, it’s up to you.
 
 
While you were sleeping, Africa went from being a progressive, modern, intellectually curious continent to a place riddled with illness, starvation, and stone-aged thinking.

Anywhere you find large swaths of poverty and illiteracy, you can be sure to find a decent religious fundamentalism taking shape. In Africa, it’s Islamists, pitching that catchy tune that life may be filled with horrific disease and shit in the streets and eating old roof shingles to survive until tomorrow, but if you kill enough Sodomites, Allah’s got something nice cooked up for you in the next world. So, the half of Nigeria that isn’t working on email scams is rounding up suspected gay men, beating and torturing them for names of their gay compadres so they all can be sent to prison, where obviously there’s no such thing as gay sex. 

Anybody actually convicted of buggery faces a dozen years in the clink, albeit Nigeria is one of those shithole countries where it’s hard to tell if you’re living in prison or just living in Nigeria. 
 
 
Many companies offer rewards to their best employees in order to motivate them to work harder. These incentives typically range in value and are mainly designed to make hard workers work harder while lackluster employees continue to do just enough to avoid getting fired.

For those who feel like hard work is not its own reward, a gift card for Starbucks isn’t going to change their work ethic. However a night with a porn star might get those stubborn employees to put in the extra effort. This is exactly what a Chinese company did when they arranged for their best employee to spend a night with a Japanese porn actress.

The Shanghai-based company invited the actress to a company dinner where her presence drew a lot of attention from reporters and her fans. It was then announced that the employee with the best annual performance would spend a night with the actress. Whoa!

When news of the sexy incentive hit the Internet, many bloggers and commenters slammed the company for their total lack of morals. There was no official response to these critics, but we don’t see why it would be a big deal. It’s not as if they forced the hardworking winner to have sex with the woman. He could have refused the offer or just stayed up all night playing video games. It’s his night, he earned it!

China is well known for having citizens who take pride in doing hard work. It’s common for large companies to offer huge cash bonuses and even cars to outstanding workers, so the idea of hiring a professional adult film actress to apply her craft is as a gift is not that farfetched.

This is obviously something that would never happen in the Philippines; at least not in such an official manner. You might read about an executive sending a prostitute to the hotel room of a valuable employee, but the company wouldn’t host a dinner and announce it publicly.

Given how fast China’s economy is growing in relation to ours, perhaps we should start.
 
 
Our fathers and forefathers didn’t fight great wars so that douche attention-seeking dudes could make public spectacle marriage proposals to their shocked girlfriends. It started with people interrupting parties for their big announcements, then ruining sporting events with Bruno Mars music, and finally creating flash mob dance videos with their friends who were too polite to say, “Dude, just how gay are you?”
It was only a matter of time before theater people got involved. Like this Peter Pan who asked Wendy to marry him in the middle of their horrid Scottish musical. A little tip for the ladies, if your man loves the idea of a big audience watching him propose, he’s not doing it for you. And if he does it to choreographed song and dance, not only will he be narcissistically dominating your unhappy marriage someday soon, he’ll probably be doing so while wearing your panties. 
 
 

“They’re not freaky people—they’re just like you and me.”

So says one of the interview subjects in a promo for UK Channel 4’s “Secrets of The Living Dolls.” The person saying it must either assume we people watching it are all perverted freaks, or that it’s just a regular thing to do to inject saline solution into your pecs to make temporary fake boobs that match your rubber mask…
I’m somewhat speechless on this. As a very young kid, I had a fear of dolls and mannequins. And yet I’m also dying to know what goings-on will occur when “Maskers” start holding conventions.
Oh wait. Shit. They’re already having them. And I’m not sure I wanted to find that site.

My reaction to all this? 

 
 
Who will weep for Dennis Rodman when he’s finally fed to the hunting dogs in North Korea? Well, maybe weep for the poor hounds who get his rank meat after a couple weeks of starvation. The lost and wandering soul with the disturbing nose ring made his way to North Korean once more to shill for the latest Great Leader of North Korea. 

Maybe Kim Jong Un is helping Rodman pay out on his outstanding child support fines or something. It’s hard to imagine he’s being a traitorous dickbag for something other than money. His latest trip included singing Happy Birthday to Kim Jong Un at a basketball exhibition. He also got liquored up and went on CNN to defend North Korea’s imprisonment of American journalist Kenneth Bae for talking about how awesome Jesus. Kenneth Bae’s family accepted Rodman’s apology but noted that being drunk was not actually a good excuse for being a jackass who consorts with the enemy. 
Rodman ought to be arrested if for no other reason than introducing basketball to a nation where the men run about 5’7” in their tattered stockings. They already have no food, now they’re also saddled with impossible NBA dreams.
 
 
Because people are stupid, Paris Hilton was greeted by a bunch of her fans when she arrived at the Hyde Bellagio to continue to pretend that she’s a DJ for a New Year’s Eve party. It’s absolutely amazing that Paris is reportedly one of the highest paid DJs in the world, because not only does she seem like the kind of person who would be confused by the simplest buttons on her iTunes control panel, but her own music is the stuff that nightmares are made of...
Normally, I’d ask that we all pledge to make 2014 the year that we push Paris and other similar celebrities into irrelevance, but I have a feeling that she’ll only keep playing tired ass techno music until she’s eventually welcoming Canadian Prime Minister Justin Bieber at his swearing in.