Craigslist has abolished their “Erotic Services” section. Don’t worry, though: the sex-for-money business will always persevere, even if it means that we have to revert back to the ancient way of doing things, the way that our fathers and our fathers’ fathers did it, by utilizing a resource that has always been there for us: the phonebook. 
 
It’s important to use caution when proceeding with a phonebook hooker, to avoid getting ripped off, robbed, beaten, or even killed in your own home with your pants around your ankles.  However, by following these simple steps, you to can safely and easily access the calloused touch of a lady of the night.

STEP 1: BE DRUNK

There’s a good chance that if you’ve made the decision to call a hooker from a phonebook, you’re probably extremely drunk. If you’re not, then you should quickly drink as much as is humanly possible, and don’t stop until your doorbell rings. This is going to make the ensuing shit storm easier to weather, and it’s going to greatly assist your ability to find the troglodyte that limps into your apartment just bearable enough to tolerate, because she’s going to look like something that Rob Zombie drew on a mustard-stained napkin.

 STEP 2: KNOW WHERE TO LOOK

The phonebook is full of numbers, most of which do not lead to prostitutes.  Believe me: I probably dialed every "Hooker" in the White Pages before I figured out that it was just someone’s unfortunate last name. In order to find an actual prostitute, you’ll have to turn to the Yellow Pages. Don’t waste your time checking the H’s for “Hooker,” or even the P’s for “Prostitute.” Just flip to E, for “Escort.” You’ll find at least two full pages of phone numbers here. You’ve already decided to play STD Roulette, so deciding which particular service you contract that STD from is as easy as drunkenly pointing to the least blurry number on the page. Once you’ve dialed the number, try to be coherent enough to slur out your address and phone number.  There’s no need to speak in Navajo code like a Wind Talker or anything. The person on the other end knows exactly what you’re calling for.

STEP 3:  DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE ALLURE OF A THREESOME

After you’ve called “dispatch,” you’ll be instructed to wait for your hooker to call you back, because she currently has some dude’s penis in her mouth. After she swallows, she’ll call you from a blocked number. This is where things start to get a little tricky. She’s going to explain that she has a friend with her, and that they both want to come over. This will sound like the best fucking news you’ve ever heard, but you must not fall for this trap, because instead of one out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hooker walking into your house, TWO out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hookers will show up, and then you’ll have to pay both of them to walk around and look through your cabinets for an hour.

STEP 4: WEAR PANTS WHEN YOU ANSWER THE DOOR

Hookers take about as long as a pizza takes to arrive at your door. In fact, if you don’t mind sharing a pizza with a hooker, a fun game is to order both at the same time and see which one arrives first (hint: you’re always happier about the pizza). You’ll be tempted to come to the door naked, to let the hooker know that you’re ready. Reconsider this. Nothing will vanquish a boner faster than the terrifying pimp who’s staring down at you when you open the door. Try not to start crying, because he’s only there to let you know that he will stab you in the face if you don’t pay him, but he also wants you to “have a good time, bro.”

STEP 5: HAVE PLENTY OF CASH

I cannot stress this point enough: cash is the only reason that hookers and pimps are there to see you. They do not take checks, they hate being asked if they take checks, and they will be very unhappy if they discover that you don’t have any cash on you. If you find yourself in this situation, your immediate future looks pretty dismal: you’re drunk, unable to drive, and now you’re being inundated with threats from the pimp who’s been summoned back into your living room, backed by an endless chorus of “hell naw” and “nuhuh” from the hookers flanking him. This is bad news.  If you find yourself in this situation, you’ve got a few options:
 
1) Drive drunk to the nearest ATM, risk getting a DUI, and leave the pimp and hookers at your house to steal all of your belongings.
 
2) Tell them to get the fuck out of your house, then get promptly stabbed in the face.
 
3) Have the pimp and the two hookers drive you to the nearest ATM.
 
I think it’s obvious what your choice should be.  The drive to the ATM will be pleasant, but it will most certainly kill the mood.


STEP 6: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PAYING FOR

Don’t be afraid to go over exactly what your money is going to get you. After all, this is a business transaction. You wouldn’t go to McDonald’s and just hand them a wad of cash without knowing for sure that you’re getting a Big Mac. Giving all of your cash to the hookers without clarifying what you’ll get in return is an excellent way to end up sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch, awkwardly masturbating in front of them as they lazily “dance” to imaginary music, fully clothed, texting on their sidekicks until your time is up. Sure, it might seem like fun, but the only thing worse than getting scammed by two hookers is getting scammed by two hookers and then shamefully blowing a load in front of them. Trust me, I know.
 



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