US Weekly‘s latest cover is Kim Kardashian in a white bikini with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge,” which is some well-played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Ray J packed up his dick and left!

Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian,” but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him vacuum her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geographic’s anteater issue.

Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby?” you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim while NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.
 



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