Let’s get back into the nitty gritty of judging movies based solely on their names and maybe their posters or commercials, if I’ve seen them. Totally valid form of film criticism.

LOVELACE

This is a movie about porn star Linda Lovelace. She’s kind of legendary in porn for the movie “Deep Throat,” which was arguably the first blockbuster porn film. After the fact, she tried to claim she’d been forced into it and never wanted to do it and, from what I recall, it never fully rang true, seemed more like a woman with regrets wishing to rewrite her past, but that’s not for me to say.

Amanda Seyfried plays Lovelace in this, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Not that Linda Lovelace was a super exotic or unique looking in any way. She was an attractive woman, but not remarkable I’d say. Amanda Seyfried looks like a sexy praying mantis to me. Like I’m attracted to her and yet afraid at the same time. This is totally irrelevant as it relates to her ability to act, and is pretty much insulting, but what am I, Ricky Lo?

ELYSIUM

This will be your number one movie this week for two good reasons: the guy who directed “District 9” and a non-stop advertising campaign. Have they even been airing commercials for other movies in the last week? I don’t know. Also, to a lesser degree, the star power of Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. I have nothing against either one, but neither makes me need to see a movie particularly.

I hope to God someone in this movie says “fokken prawns.”

NO ONE LIVES

Look at the shitty name of this film. Has no movie been named this yet? It’s like a half sleepy fart named this movie. Oh, “No One Lives,” it’s about a room full of people with oversized sodas and popcorn being bored to tears by bullshit they won’t remember by the time they reach the parking lot. It stars “Up Yours” and “Who Gives a Shit” in their first movie together and was directed by the sound a shrug makes.


 



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