Let’s get back into the nitty gritty of judging movies based solely on their names and maybe their posters or commercials, if I’ve seen them. Totally valid form of film criticism.

RIDDICK

Because “Pitch Black” came out before Vin Diesel was super famous, it looks like they made it again only with a bigger budget and called it Part 3. I’m not opposed to that, I actually like Vin Diesel even though I can barely stand most of his films. Is that weird? It’s probably weird.

Vin Diesel deserves fame if for no other reason than that laugh of his, that really deep, completely fake-sounding laugh that is apparently his real, genuine laugh. I’ve heard him do it on talk shows and it’s the most bizarre thing ever, because it’s about an octave lower than any other sound that comes out of his head otherwise. It’s just three really slow beats “Ha. Ha. Ha” and it sounds like the devil chuckling.

So yeah, go see “Riddick,” maybe he does that laugh.

INSIDIOUS 2

I’m going to be honest and let you know I totally cheated by reading reviews of this movie ahead of time. As you know, I have a boner for horror movies and am a fanboy of director James Wan who directed the first “Insidious” as well as “The Conjuring,” so I’m stoked for this. Then I read the reviews and see that they all suck and I’m a little put off. But then I remember that every review I write is basically sucky, and they’re based on nothing at all, so you can never really trust a film review. Everything I say is unreliable.

That said, I like bad horror anyway, so I’m still going to see this and screw you if you don’t come see it with me. Yeah, I said it.
 



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