Lady GaGa recently released a new song. The track is awful, which is why we’re going to play a little game today that I like to call…

MY REACTION TO THE NEW LADY GAGA SONG OR THINGS I GROAN WHEN I HAVE DIARRHEA

The game is simple: I provide a lyric from the song, and then follow it with a short reaction. You then have to decide if I’m reacting to the song, or if I’m reacting to a particularly nasty case of diarrhea.

It’s that easy.

Before we begin, I just want to take this time to apologize to you, the reader. Not only and I making you read Lady GaGa’s lyrics, but I’ve added in all the punctuation. I’m certain I will be sued by GaGa’s people for mischaracterizing her as being a person that knows where a comma goes. To be fair, I didn’t try to hard. These lyrics were probably written in a mad jumble on a cocktail napkin with a tube of lipstick as GaGa blew a club bouncer in a bathroom stall, and all while a feisty paparazzo put down his camera to jerk off in the stall beside them. All of that stuff equals bad grammar, as we all know.
The song itself is the kind of music you’d hear in a European dance club where every Tuesday night is Date Rape night, when girls get one free ounce of vodka with their Ruffies. This is the same kind of club that has a secret VIP backroom where Russian billionaires can murder a peasant consequence free—and at competitive prices, no less.

I may have misinterpreted some of the lyrics here and there because while listening to the song I found myself experiencing short, non-lethal aneurisms that made some lyrics difficult to understand.

Answers will be provided at the end.

Let’s start the game!

Lady GaGa Lyric 1

I stand here waiting for you to bang the gong, to crash the critic saying, “is it right or is it wrong?”

The Song or Diarrhea: Ugh. This is painful.

Lady GaGa Lyric 2

If only fame had an IV. Baby could I bare being away from you? I found the vein, put it in here.

The Song or Diarrhea: I’m just going to grit my teeth and get through this.

Lady GaGa Lyric 3

I live for the applause, applause, applause. Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me. The applause, applause, applause.

The Song or Diarrhea: It burns so much. I just want it to stop. Ugh. There’s just so much of it…

Lady GaGa Lyric 4

Give me the thing that I love, turn the lights on. Put your hands up, make them touch, make it real loud.

The Song or Diarrhea: Goddamn, this bitch is rank…

Lady GaGa Lyric 5

Make it real loud. Put your hands up, make them touch, touch, applause. Make it real loud. Put your hands up, make them touch, touch.

The Song or Diarrhea: I…fucking…fuck you…like, fucking–ahhhh, just fuck off.

Lady GaGa Lyric 6

I've overheard your theory, nostalgia's for geeks. I guess sir, if you say so. Some of us just like to read.

The Song or Diarrhea: No quality solid masses. It’s just little bits of shit flying out, all over everything.

Lady GaGa Lyric 7

One second I'm a Kunst, then suddenly the Kunst is me. Pop culture was in art, now art’s in pop culture, in me.

The Song or Diarrhea: There’s human shit in my ear canals.
Answers: 1. The song, 2. The song, 3. The song, 4. The song, 5. The song, 6. The song, 7. The song
 



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