Demonic possession is a constant threat in our workaday, evil world. If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t keep making movies about it now would they? Don’t answer that because the devil will beguile you with his sweet words and I have to assume you are housing Satan deep in your loins as we speak. Instead, I’ll just give you these signs to be watchful of, or perhaps for your friends and loved ones to be watchful of if it turns out you do, in fact, carry a scrotum full of Beelzebub.

1. Makes frequent reference to your mother’s carnal, hell-based activities

2. Masturbating with religious paraphernalia more than usual

3. Vomits things you don’t recall them eating or in quantities that seem suspect

4. Tends to hang out on the ceiling

5. Has swallowed or threatens to soon be ready to swallow your soul

6. Previously had acceptable dental hygiene, now has stained fangs

7. Refers to self in third person plural

8. Farts brimstone

9. Now has ability to make previously unspinnable body parts spin

10. Refuses to stop murdering people on elevators. Or anywhere, really

11. Keeps slamming doors on surveillance cam for hours across three shitty sequels and still makes a fortune at the box office despite being terrible in every way

12. Argues with self in several voices over the best way to kill you

13. Opens the bathroom door with an axe

14. Has a penchant for locking teens in abandoned houses

15. Is compelled by the power of Christ

 



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