The Mayans may have been full of it, but that doesn’t mean the end isn’t still nigh. If wackos holding signs and shouting in the streets have taught me anything, it’s that the end is always fucking nigh. These are my favorite apocalyptic daydreams culled from my journeys through the countless realms of fiction. For the sake of avoiding excessive triteness, there will not be zombies.
3. THE COMING OF GALACTUS
When Galactus hits the scene, you know shit’s about to go down. There are countless unoccupied planets out there he could be devouring, but no; it’s only fun if billions die as a result. Maybe the “G” on his belt isn’t his initial. Maybe it stands for “gangsta” because Galactus just don’t give a fuck.
Not only does this guy have a machine that converts the life force of your planet to energy, but he can give people awesome superpowers so it might be a good idea to suck up to him. He just might make you one of his heralds and you can scour the galaxies for edible worlds. That’s my angle. I’ll get to see the infinite universe, meet new people, and laugh as my boss totally owns their crappy planets. Good times all around. You know, except for all the genocide.
2. THE RISE OF THE MACHINES
“But Joey, we’ll program the superior beings we designed to be exponentially smarter and faster than us not to hurt us. And with them being exponentially smarter and faster than us, they could never find a way around our exponentially inferior and slower programming skills.”
Good point, every person I’ve ever had this discussion with. Way to think things through. We’ll just outsmart them.
The only real question is how should we design our unfeeling, genocidal robot overlords: Cylons, Replicants, Terminators, or Matrix style? I think murderous sexbots would be kind of a cool way to go. I’m pretty sure Japan is already on top of that (as seen in Ghost in the Shell 2).
Wait, what do you mean I didn’t give enough money to institutions led by pedophiles and bigots while I was on Earth? Really God? REALLY?! Well, at least I get front row seats to the greatest show on Earth. I’m sure Satan knows how it’s going to end being that he’s already been down this road, but I appreciate him trying because who doesn’t want to see the Four Horsemen with their own eyes? I can already hear the Metallica song blasting.
I’m going to be pretty disappointed if the dragon and beasts are metaphorical. How lame would that be if the religious conservatives are right and Obama is actually the Antichrist? So unsatisfying. I mean, if the entire prophecy is metaphorical, this whole scenario probably isn’t happening. So let’s just say there is a literal dragon and seven-headed beasts with an alarmingly asymmetrical number of horns and “blasphemous names” for each head. I kind of want to hear what the blasphemous names are. They sound neat. I’ll bet they’re like black metal band names.
But yeah, before zombies, before the plague, before comics and moving pictures, before technology or alien invasions or any of it, you had Revelation. The granddaddy of all of the apocalyptic scenarios in our culture still inspires imaginations the world over and is the subject of study by those who think of it in metaphorical terms and in literal ones. And how often do you hear it referenced in other apocalypse stories? Like, just about every time out? Sounds right.
So who wants to be a lone badass wandering the post-apocalyptic wastelands? I do! I do! If you survive, maybe we can team up and take down some zombies or cannibals or something sometime. It’ll be cool.