The penis is the strangest animal you’ll ever meet. It stands proud when it’s happy, shrinks like a fearful puppy when it’s scared or cold, and it also humps stuff. All kinds of stuff. And not just normal stuff like other people or Fleshlights, but nutty stuff that you should have enough self-awareness to keep your junk away from. But if that were the case, this article wouldn’t exist.

3. PARK BENCH

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Hey, let’s stay in China! Because a guy humped a park bench there! I don’t know how this works and that’s the only reason I’m including it. Like I get how humping works, I have the Internet, I’ve seen five German guys with a lady dressed like a horse before, but how do you hump a bench? What the hell is going on with Chinese benches? There are wang-sized metal holes in Chinese benches? Well, slightly less than wang-sized metal holes, but you know what I mean.

2. VACUUM

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Hey, who hasn’t humped a vacuum? It’s as American as humping apple pie and less prone to dangerously raising your blood sugar. While normally a tale of vacuum debauchery gone awry would merit merely a snicker or two, this one wins extra attention because it’s a story that features the following exceptionally wonderful elements:

- A dwarf
- A penis
- A vacuum
- Glue
- The circus


Yes, a little man put his willy in a vacuum, on stage, as part of a show, and on this particular occasion, a piece was broken so, to fix it, he just glued it together, not figuring that his penis would be in there, posing a logistical problem. When he realized he was stuck, I like to think he had to ride the vacuum to the hospital, but of course that would be silly.

1. WEDDING RING

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I include this entry as a warning to any man, anywhere, who sees a band of metal forged solely for the purpose of being worn on one’s finger and thinks “the 11th finger!” before triumphantly busting out the KY Jelly and whatever else may be necessary to wedge your dong into a ring. Seriously? Hopefully this man had big hands but it’s just as likely he has some kind of remarkably pliable little noodle schlong because dude, a ring? A ring?

As you might expect, like so many other traps, it was a one-way affair as once you get into this thing, you’ve got expansion and such to deal with that causes you to never, ever remove a ring from your penis on your own. You have to include a hospital, the fire department and a cutting tool used by jewelers. Then you get on the Internet.

 



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