Want to really impress your lady for her birthday? Buy her one of these ridiculously expensive sex toys. Remember to “accidentally” leave the price tag on, so she knows exactly how much you spent on her. Otherwise, the whole thing is pretty pointless.

5. MASTURBATION MIRROR – $1,598 

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Who doesn’t like to take a little peek at themselves while they’re enjoying a good ol’ session of self-love? But I’m pretty sure you could get a similar mirror at the Dollar Store for like, uh, a dollar.

4. STERLING SILVER & CHERRY WOOD SPANKING ROD – $3,066

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I think I should change the direction of my career. Maybe start making luxury sex toys. I could go outside and cut down that oak tree right now and make a nice little profit. I’m sure my landlord wouldn’t mind. 

 3. DIAMOND ENCRUSTED PLATINUM VIBRATOR – $3,250

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For the woman who likes it real hard. Like “cut through glass” hard. Vaginas are pretty much bulletproof anyhow, right? 

2. HORSE TAIL SILVER BUTT PLUG – $3,475

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If I could afford this, I would buy it. Come on now, it’s a motherfucking horsetail! Make it white and throw in a unicorn headdress and I might never take it out.

1. GOLD TICKLER – $4,506

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Marabou feathers and 18-karat gold? Sign me up. Oh wait, never mind. I’ll just pluck the feathers off the dead pigeon I saw on my way into the office this morning and hot glue them to my grandmother’s engagement ring. DIY, baby! Works every time.

 



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