Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We’re not saying we’re cool, we’re just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.

7. IRONIC BELT BUCKLES

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a “Rodeo Champion” or a “Pac Man” or a “Jack Daniels.” And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you’re being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. 


6. BLUETOOTH HEADSET

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit. 

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end. When you’re at a Jollibee drive-thru and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Santos account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No gravy. I said no gravy! Yeah, that’s right, Santos account on my desk,” it’s pretty goddamn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing bluetooth wireless headsets are military field generals.


5. TRICKED OUT BICYCLES

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: I honestly have no idea.

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker, you just look like some sixth-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly bent handlebars and wacky forks, your “cruiser” looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could’ve gotten a fucking car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.


4. FIDEL CASTRO HATS

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let’s the world know that you’re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camouflaged coloring make you look like a retarded son of an army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-conformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.


3. GUITAR HERO

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the jungle, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this videogame. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. 


2. LONGBOARD SKATEBOARDS

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You’re just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: If a normal skateboarder falls, he injures himself. You are traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you’ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you’re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It’d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.


1. FUNNY RINGTONES

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WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: A ringtone is a great way to give people a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You’re pretty sure that having a silly quote from Pulp Fiction or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.

WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it “ring” 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your ass. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.

 



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