Ever wondered what people watch when they’re jerking off? Have you spent sleepless nights pondering the porn habits of your relatives? Do you dream of the dirt that your friends diddle themselves to? Well, your questions have been answered!

As a gender, men are fascinated by creampies, teens, and MILFs. As an experiment, I decided to take a cross-section of my neighbors and poll them on their masturbation habits. 

I expected the creeps at my building to tell me they have to search things like “Asian + Machine + Grandma + Teletubby + Latex + PVC Pipe” to get their dicks hard. What they told me was truly shocking.

Most of the guys want to watch the totally normal stuff. They search for Big Tits, Asses, and Blowjobs. Really? That’s it? No “Water Torture + Fish Hooks + Extreme Fisting + Kate Middleton” searches? I couldn’t believe it.

I decided to take the cross-section of men I interviewed and delve a little deeper into their favorite categories. Their search terms may not be depraved, but the psychology behind their search terms says a lot about their personalities. Here are the most popular categories and what they say about the people that search for them:

ASIAN

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“Asian” is a broad term. If we’re talking “South Korean beauty pageant contestant gets fucked,” then ok, that could be sexy. Everyone knows hot Asian girls are like unicorns—rare and truly magnificent. If you’re looking for a cute Asian girl, then I’m cool with you.

If you’re looking for Asian girls fucking hot curling irons and crying, then you’re the kind of person that should be sent to a Siberian prison. 

AMATEUR

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You’re the kind of person that stares too long at high schoolgirls and you order your coffee black but secretly love flavored coffee creamer. 

ASS

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You have inadvertently bitten a woman dangerously hard on the ass one time. You often have dreams about clouds.

BLACK CHICKS

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Searching for black chicks means you love rap music and violently defend Kanye’s new album. You feel very conflicted about racial equality after you cum. 

BLOWJOBS

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This category is solely for people who weren’t laid until college. Who wants to watch a blowjob?

BIG TITS

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Mommy issues. Obviously.

COLLEGE GIRLS

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This category is for older men who played on the varsity team and desperately want to return to a time where they weren’t financially obligated to support a bitch ex-wife and three money-grubbing shithole children.

CREAMPIE

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This is a category for men with secret eating disorders.

FEET

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This category is reserved for really strange people. Why do you want to watch women rub their feet on a dick? Do you know where feet go every day? It’s nasty. You’re nasty. 

FETISH

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Again, this is a broad category. Are you searching for “medical porn”? Then you’re a serial killer. Are you searching for “female domination”? You’re a mommy’s boy who failed 1st grade. Are you looking for “cock and ball torture”? Then you’re a serial killer who failed first grade.

FINGERED

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You haven’t been on a successful date in over three years.


FIRST TIME

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You own a masturbation device.

GANGBANG

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You have slept with under two women.

JAPANESE

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You should be ashamed of yourself and then executed.

LATINA

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You love corn.

LESBIAN

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After a first date the woman usually says to you, “I feel so connected to you, I can really see us being great friends!”

MILF

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Mommy issues. Also, you have a recurring fantasy that your cleaning lady walks in on you masturbating and washes your dick with Pine-Sol.

P.O.V.

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You have a grainy cellphone video of your ex-girlfriend giving you head. You cry every time you watch it.

REAL COUPLES

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See above.

STOCKINGS

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You are a closet homosexual.

TEEN

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You used to write fan letters to WWE wrestlers.

TOON

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You live in your parent’s basement with five hamsters all named after Dragon Ball characters.

What I took away from this experiment is that no matter how much porn you watch, you can always watch more. And next to basketball, there’s nothing more manly than fapping your dick to a “MILF + teen + creampie” three minute, grainy porn clip.
 



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