Yesterday, I got hoodwinked into seeing “R.I.P.D.” I wanted to see “The Conjuring” but my feelings don’t matter and my desires are ignored like so much trash on the side of the road. Thanks for nothing, so-called friends. So I saw that mediocre film and now I can never get that hour and 51 minutes back. Here’s what I should have done instead:
- Watched any other movie in theaters right now with the exception of “Planes”
- Tried to fill a balloon with nothing but farts
- Threw my hands up in the air and waved them around like I just didn’t care
- Made a list of funny synonyms for masturbating
- Had sex 15 times
- Put a small saddle on my dog and forced him to give rides to vermin
- Scratched my balls
- Had a nap
- Got high on peyote and tried to commune with nature
- Masturbated
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