Things I learned today: 

1. How to spell “septuagenarian.”

2. Although the McDonald’s website says the breakfast menu is served at 6 am, the one closest to my house starts at 5 am and you cannot get a Big Mac at 5:30 am even if you beg, but you can get a giant milkshake.

3.a. There’s a whole community of people out there who find “urethral sounding” sexually gratifying. 

3.b. “Urethral Sounding” is where you stick something in your pee hole, basically.

All this time, I thought all the funny posts I read about some dumbass or another having to go to the emergency because he had something stuck up his urethra were isolated insistences where bored morons were like, “see this fork? It’s going all the way up my urethra.”

“Urethral Sounding” is a medical practice where sounds are inserted into the penis to enlarge the diameter of the urethra to check for blocks, etc. It’s also used to do genitals piercing. Soooo, of course, someone somewhere decided to turn it into a sexual practice.

I don’t know if the 70-year-old septuagenarian from Australia is into the urethral sounding scene or if he thought sticking a four-inch-long metal fork into his peen would help him keep it up for a good fucking, but he really should have thought ahead and tied a string around it, or, you know, not stuck a fork in there in the first place.

At least, not all the way in.

Never all the way in, guys. That’s like Urethral Sounding 101. Or Sticking Anything In Any Hole In Your Body 101.

Obviously, “Fork Man” ended up at the hospital where doctors observed that the metal fork could not be seen from the outside, but could be felt through the skin of his dong. Lots of lube and some forceps later, the dude formerly known as “Fork Man” was now simple known as “Really Sore Penis Man.”

I in no way ever want to stick anything up my urethra, but I have nothing against people who enjoy the practice. I do, however, have something against idiots who don’t do proper research when it comes to sexual fun times.

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