The obvious benefit to maximizing your sex appeal is your increased awesomeness and chances to be featured in situations often depicted in beer commercials, like volleyball with chicks in bikinis or doing your taxes with chicks in bikinis.
Naturally if you’re already sexy, you’re probably reading this on your yacht eating lobster stuffed with gold and sex and laughing at our feeble attempts to clone you. Screw you, man. Screw you so hard.
For the rest of us, there are some simple tips that can be used to boost your sex appeal. Will these tips make you an Adonis? Lord no. Odds are those restraining orders aren’t going anywhere. But that doesn’t mean you can’t potentially avoid future ones.
No woman likes a filthy man. More specifically, if you meet a woman who likes a filthy man, you may actually be courting a harpy, or some kind of gargoyle in disguise. This is a terrible trap in which to fall and will ultimately end with you being literally eaten. So it’s not worth it. Just bathe, man. Every day.
Anyway, sensitivity means more than just letting her be on top. Sometimes it will behoove you to take a vested interest in lady stuff. Does that mean menstruation, weaves and pointy-toed shoes? Probably. Whatever comes up, just go with it. You have to have an opinion on these things, even if it takes 10 minutes to craft one. If she’s having a terrible day because of something to do with yeast or depilatories, make sure she knows you’re aware of that and you empathize. If you just met her in a bar, try not to unzip your pants or mention how you’d totally do her and a friend in no time flat.
Women rarely like librarians, accountants and children’s entertainers. The guy who does the voice of Elmo has probably never been laid. In fact, he probably has a sex deficit. Like if he had sex three times, he’d still be legally and metaphysically a virgin. You need to up the ante if you want to qualify as someone cool enough to be considered sexy.
Some people take the bad boy ideal too far and start knocking over convenience stores or killing innocent civilians. Try to focus on something less traumatic. You can be bad without being genocidal. For instance, get some tattoos. Not lame tattoos, the world has too many of those. Get cool ones. By default that means you can have no barbed wire, no armbands, no inspirational words in Kanji script and nothing written in Olde English fonts. If you have any of those tattoos already, just tell people they’re meta.
Going from CHUD to stud (we just trademarked that phrase and will put it on mugs later) is probably the hardest thing in the world to do. How do you pull it off? Hard work, diet and exercise? Hell if I know. I sit in a basement office and drink fermented goat’s milk most days. But we have some numerous ads online for cosmetic surgery. So, you know, tuck aside a good Php100,000 and in no time, after a lengthy period of healing, you’ll be as sexy as whoever it is the girls love these days. Justin Bieber? Boy Abunda? Whatever.