I have been out on dates and they have come from the Internet. I’ve been out with doctors and nurses, students and teachers, athletes and academics. I’ve been out with local women, foreign women, short women, tall women, women who I’m not even sure were women at all. I have met long-term girlfriends on the Internet, and people who became friends I’ll keep for years. I’ve also met women who, if I saw them on the street, I would sprint—not run, mind you, but sprint—in the opposite direction. Why am I telling you this? So that you might learn from my experience.
I have gone on terrible Internet dates so you don’t have to. Take these stories, learn from them, and pass them on. The stigma from computer dating is gone now; nearly everyone has tried it. Perhaps you yourself are considering it right now. First, read these. You’re welcome.
1. THE SEX CRIER
I think we can all agree that sex can be, at times, an emotional experience. Especially when you’re doing it with someone as gifted in the ways of intimacy as myself. But to start crying within the first 30 seconds of intercourse is, let’s say, a little off-putting. But hey, things happen, we’re complicated beings.
So Sex Crier and I have a little conversation. Apparently this is a thing that happens often to her, and the best approach is to just keep on going. While she cries. For a reason she will not discuss. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to have relations while being soaked in a shower of your partner’s tears, but it’s a bit of a mood killer. And it doesn’t help when she starts yelling at you for seeming distracted. Because how could you possibly not stay in the moment when a weeping lady is insisting you have sex with her? This relationship did not last terribly long.
2. THE DEAF TEACHER
You never know what will attract you to a person, and in this case, it was her job. I saw a sweet looking girl online who taught deaf children for a living, and I was immediately taken. What an interesting and difficult career choice—I had to get to know her. So I asked her out, and practiced concealing my sarcasm and general lack of goodwill. Here’s how it went…
Me: So how did you get into teaching deaf children?
Deaf Teacher: Oh, I didn’t want to really, but it costs less to get a degree in teaching the deaf than it does to teach normal kids, so I figured, “why not”?
Me (mulling that one over): …Oh? Are there government grants or something?
Deaf Teacher: Yeah, and now I know why. It sucks teaching deaf kids. They can’t hear at all, and it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I just kinda give up.
Me: That seems…you give up?
Deaf Teacher: Well, yelling doesn’t work because they’re deaf, you know? They don’t really prepare you for that in the classes.
Me (looking around to see if anyone else is getting this): Yeah, no that must be-
Deaf Teacher: I just do it so I can have money for CF.
Deaf Teacher: Casino Filipino. I kinda have a thing for blackjack. I go down every Friday and play through the weekend. When I save up enough I’m gonna quit teaching and become a professional blackjack player. Gambling is so much more fun than working with deaf kids. And you’re allowed to drink.
Me: I fold.
3. GIRL WITH A MUSTACHE
Not much to say on this one. I went out with a girl who had a mustache. Went about as well as you’d expect.
4. THIS DATE IS ON FIRE
I heard this one from a date, and it’s so good I had to pass it along. A girl has dinner with a guy, and all is going well. He wants to tell her a clever story, so he leans in for effect and moves the dinner candle to the side. Unfortunately though, he pushes the flame a bit too close, and before she knows it, the girl’s hair has caught on fire.
It really goes up apparently, and she doesn’t now what to do. Her date, being the gentleman he was, takes the matter in hand and…starts laughing. He loves it so much that instead of helping her he takes out his cellphone and snaps a picture! AMAZING. Finally, the poor girl’s waiter runs over and pats down her hair with a towel. I say again, AMAZING.
No matter what happens, I will always be a better date than the guy who lit a girl’s hair on fire.
5. THE GIRL WHO LIVED IN A SHACK
As I said earlier, not all that comes from Internet dating is a disaster. I have met good people and had plenty of grand experiences. One in fact led to a very respectable little three-month relationship, which unfortunately ended without explanation. One of those “we have to break up, I don’t really know why, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.”
I was downtrodden, but such is life. Then, months later, I saw the roommate of this girl out at a bar. After a bit of chitchat, I asked how the ex was doing. The answer that I will never forget was “oh, I don’t know. She kinda went nutty. After she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” He was a “survivalist,” whatever that is, and chose to live without electricity or running water to make a point about society. And she lived with him. FANTASTIC. You know you’ve won a breakup when you hear the sentence “after she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.”
And the sad thing is, I’m only scratching the surface here. I have reams and reams of these stories; believe me. But maybe that’s not sad. The crazy, the unpredictable, the highly flammable—they’re all part of the Internet dating experience. You take the good with the bad, and if the last was lousy, then maybe the next will be outstanding. Hey, I know I’m no prize. I mean, I have a blog for God sakes. I’m sure I’ve provided a funny story or two for the women I’ve dated. Here’s hoping they don’t have a blog too.
The comic book world is full of the strange, the unknown, and…the comical. With heroes and villains fighting in their underwear for almost one hundred years, we’d like to dive head first into the wacky world of superheroes and their powers. Oh, wait a minute. Did you think we are going into the Spider-Mans and Batmans of the world? Ha! We are going into the deep rosters of perhaps the worse of the worse. The horrible heroes and villains and their crappy superpowers! Enjoy!
5. ZEITGEIST (MARVEL)
Try having the ability to spew acid out of your mouth. Yep. He even vomited on a date that burned her face when he first recognized his “talent”. He didn’t stick around very long.
4. COLOR KID (DC)
Helping a scientist one day, the Color Kid was engulfed by multi-colored lights from another dimension. He was also briefly known as the Color Queen in the 80’s, after being exposed to Gender Reversal Germs.
3. EXTRANO (DC)
Another DC character whose name means “strange” in Spanish. He is a gay magician who was attacked by a vampire with AIDS named “Hemo Goblin” who gives him HIV. I cannot believe I typed this.
2. RED BEE (DC)
Red Bee has the superpower of, get this, trained bees. He keeps them in his security belt when he isn’t being a regular guy as the assistant to Superior City’s District Attorney.
1. SQUIRREL GIRL (MARVEL)
The buck-toothed girl can communicate with squirrels. That’s pretty much all she can do. Can there be any other weirder superhero than her?
I’m still trying to see everything that came out in 2013 to make my ten best movies of the year list, but I’m all set to go for my annual top trailers countdown, as I’ve spent the weekend attempting to recall which spots were the most memorable of 2013.
This may be cheating a bit, to simply make one of the most intense scenes from your movie the trailer, but it was a probably the most effective spot Gravity could have crafted. Using the initial disaster where the Hubble is destroyed by debris and showing Bullock floating out into space was usually ten times as gripping as whatever full-length movie was actually following the trailer.
4. IRON MAN 3
I may not have been as gaga about Iron Man 3 as everyone else, but the Mandarin voice-over trailer for the film was simply incredible, and it did a great job tearing down Tony Stark/Iron Man, and making him seem vulnerable and broken by the end.
3. MAN OF STEEL
No one does a blockbuster trailer like Zack Snyder, and he has three separate spots for Man of Steel that were all fantastic. I think my favorite is the final trailer. Any trailer that can consistently give me the chills the way this did is worthy of a high spot on this list.
2. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
I haven’t gotten around to seeing The Wolf of Wall Street, but the “Black Skinhead” based trailer is far and away one of the best of the year, and was a better ad for Kanye’s Yeezus album than anything else he possibly could have done himself.
1. THE GREAT GATSBY
I just realized that Leo DiCaprio is in both of my top two movies here, though I doubt he had anything to do with the creation of either trailer. Rather, this time instead of Martin Scorsese, he’s paired with Baz Lurhmann who made The Great Gatsby look like it was going to be one of the most impressive, overblown films of the year. The Gatsby trailer doesn’t have just one great song, but three, and expert editing blends the modern music with the period of the film in a way only Baz Luhrmann can. Alas, the final product was less than memorable, and sometimes movies work far better in three-minute trailers, rather than three-hour features.
Christmas is coming and I’m already broke. Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like Ninja Turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list. As much as people pretend to disdain the commercial aspect of the season, we kind of love it, too. We like presents. I like presents, anyway. But let’s be honest, a lot of presents are full-on shit. They don’t need to exist and certainly don’t need to be owned or purchased.
15. A bathrobe. Nobody really uses bathrobes and if they do, it’s because someone gave them one and they didn’t have the heart to throw it out
14. A new sweater. I have never needed a new sweater. I have two and they’ve done their job for years.
13. Brandy Beans. Possibly the most disgusting holiday chocolate ever, tastes like rubbing alcohol shat on some Raisenettes.
12. Crocs. Just tell someone you hate them, don’t mock them
11. Body wash or other toiletries because that’s a shameful state of affairs and is a passive aggressive way of telling someone they stink.
10. Mercury Drug gift card. It says I don’t know what to get you, but I know I want it to make you feel bad.
9. Precious Moments figurines. They’re disgusting and creepy and everyone knows it.
8. Anything As Seen On TV. This stuff is shit, that’s why they have to sell it to shut-ins.
7. A new scarf. This is the worst piece of winter clothing ever. It’s just material that no one made into anything better.
6. A photo album, because it’s not 1981
5. An offbrand MP3 player. Because the products made by Elektriplooz are not reliable.
4. Transformers DVDs. Only you can stop Shia Labeouf.
3. Cologne or perfume. Inevitably you will pick the one scent that most resembles feces to the recipient.
2. A Panzer tank. Really impractical
1. Nude photos of Boy Abunda.
The Catholic Church is enjoying an unprecedented time in its history thanks to one man: Pope Francis. Unlike the last two Popes, Pope Francis actually seems like a guy who wants to use his influence to make the world a better place. It’s ironic and sad to say this, but he seems like a genuinely good man. Why is that surprising? Because I can’t think of another genuinely good man in any position of power anywhere on Earth. You could argue for people like P-Noy, but it’s clear, especially after the numerous scandals of the last few years, he’s just doing what he can to get by. He’s not sticking his neck out. No one is. Except that crazy Pope.
Not only has the Pope basically said everyone should stop giving such a damn about gay marriage, he’s called out corruption in the Church, opposed the greed of the high ranking officials, condemned the abuse the Church is known for, called out the 1% and the abuses of capitalism that leave people poor and wanting, admitted that even an Atheist can be good in God’s eyes and get into heaven and, if the latest rumor is to be believed, the dude sneaks out at night to give money to poor people.
I’m not ashamed to admit I find the Pope inspiring. I love goodness in people. I love it when someone can spread a hopeful message, and I suspect that’s why most people fell for P-Noy initially. And where he couldn’t back it up, Pope Francis seems to be able to. He doesn’t just say love thy neighbor, he gets out of his car and hugs a disfigured dude.
What’s next for the Pope? God only knows (that’s a little joke), but we have some ideas. What could a Pope who doesn’t care for money or politics do in this world?
1. FIRE SHITTY PRIESTS
Call me old fashioned, but I think failures deserve to fail. Kid gets crappy marks, he fails the grade. Guy screws up his job, he gets fired. So when a priest decides to be a drunkard, or steal money or, you know, serially molest his parishioners, maybe you kick that piece of shit out of the Church. For many years the Catholic tradition has been to ignore the problem or move it somewhere new so it can happen to unsuspecting victims all over again. That’s money and politics. But new Pope hates that shit! The Catholic church should just straight up excommunicate every crap ass priest. Will it cause some parishes to have no priest at all? Sure. But it will build enough goodwill amongst the people of the world that new priests will fill in the gaps eventually. Better to have no priest than an awful one.
2. REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH
The new Pope is on board with looking down on Church officials living extravagant lifestyles. Fact is, the Catholic Church is estimated to run a $170 billion operation in America alone. Worldwide the figure must be staggering, potentially upwards of a trillion when you factor in the priceless artifacts, buildings, art and land—all in the Church’s coffers. Catholics be rolling in it. And they earned a lot of that shit, too. How many other organizations have existed since we started our calendar? Not a lot.
I won’t suggest the Church give up all its money, but maybe redistribute some of it. The poor can be helped a lot better with that cash than any rich Cardinal could. And rich Churches in rich cities don’t need to keep that collection plate money—give that shit to the community. That was the purpose of it to begin with, to help maintain the Church and also the congregation and the poor. Wealthy churches should therefore be in a much greater position to help the poor all the time. Combine this with Church investments and maybe cutting back on some unnecessarily high wages for some church officials and you got yourself a fine, charitable organization.
3. OK DEPRAVITY
In an effort to advance society, it’s time we stopped giving a shit about stuff no one has any business giving a shit about. The Pope took a huge step forward by basically saying gay marriage isn’t something to care about. Another thing? Oral sex. Butt sex. Condoms. Premarital sex. Do you need to do these things? No. But stop having a fit when people do, ya weird Bible thumpers. If we’re on cosmic scales being scrutinized by the Almighty and I’m standing on one side after living a life of terrible sexual depravity and you’re on the other side, a proud prude who only had missionary sex during wedlock with the lights out and only to have kids, you went to Church every weekend and you never even drank booze, but maybe you also spread hatred and killed a guy once, I win! I win! Because spreading the joy and pleasure of handjobs will always be more godly than spreading hate and violence and I dare you to find a worthwhile god who disagrees with me.
People need to not be so hung up on the private lives of everyone else in the world and start caring about real problems. If one of your neighbors is a gay man who wants to get married and the other is a single mom whose kids eat ketchup sandwiches, go knock on the gay guy’s door and ask him and his future husband if maybe the three of you can help the lady next door somehow. Stop being a monster.
Here’s an e-mail my friend Clyde sent me yesterday:
Help me settle a little bet here. Which celebrity would sell the most magazines if she chose to pose for Playboy? I know not much has been left to the imagination, but I say it’s Britney Spears. My buddy says Jennifer Lawrence. And how much longer will we have to wait for the Scarlett Johansson pictorial? Talk about needing a career boost.
Great question—sparked a heated debate with me and some friends last night.
Here was the consensus:
5. BRITNEY SPEARS
Hard to believe she barely cracked the top-five, but we’ve just seen too many pictures of her smoking cigs with her white trash boyfriend. They always look like they’re about 10 minutes away from being busted on “Cops.”
4. MILEY CYRUS
Baring it all in the controversial “I’m only trying to get back at my father!” spread. There’s something decidedly un-sexy about her though. Maybe it’s the epileptic seizures during her singing.
3. KATE UPTON
Although she’d be much better off “accidentally” leaking a sex video. That could cause the entire Internet to crash.
2. CHRISTINA AGUILERA
A solid runner-up choice because we could solve the “Implants: Yes or No?” dilemma once and for all. I’d be combing through those pictures like CSI’s Gil Grissom looking for carpet hairs on a dead hooker.
1. THE OLSEN TWINS
For the inevitability. For the morbid curiosity. For the sheer magnitude of the whole thing. I just feel like this would be the “Where were you when JFK died?” moment of magazine issues. Everyone would have to see.
Sure, we’d be looking at two girls who weigh a combined 165 pounds, and the results would be invariably depressing and possibly scarring…but yes, everyone would have to see.
You know what they say about all good things coming to an end. Children grow old and die, empires rise and fall, stars are born and extinguished all across the infinite galaxy, and there won’t be new episodes of Breaking Bad anymore. Likewise, it is the way of the world that mankind’s days are numbered, and while that is a sad thought if we have to go out, I say we do it in style. None of this pointless nuclear war stupidity or “not with a bang, but a whimper” stuff. If we’ve got to go, let’s hope it’s suitably badass.
The Mayans may have been full of it, but that doesn’t mean the end isn’t still nigh. If wackos holding signs and shouting in the streets have taught me anything, it’s that the end is always fucking nigh. These are my favorite apocalyptic daydreams culled from my journeys through the countless realms of fiction. For the sake of avoiding excessive triteness, there will not be zombies.
3. THE COMING OF GALACTUS
Say what you want about Marvel Comics, but a Godzilla-sized devourer of worlds with his first initial on his belt wandering the universe in search of planets to fuel his search for more planets to fuel his search for…why is this guy a thing again? Who cares? It’s pretty cool in a comic book kind of way.
When Galactus hits the scene, you know shit’s about to go down. There are countless unoccupied planets out there he could be devouring, but no; it’s only fun if billions die as a result. Maybe the “G” on his belt isn’t his initial. Maybe it stands for “gangsta” because Galactus just don’t give a fuck.
Not only does this guy have a machine that converts the life force of your planet to energy, but he can give people awesome superpowers so it might be a good idea to suck up to him. He just might make you one of his heralds and you can scour the galaxies for edible worlds. That’s my angle. I’ll get to see the infinite universe, meet new people, and laugh as my boss totally owns their crappy planets. Good times all around. You know, except for all the genocide.
2. THE RISE OF THE MACHINES
Out of all the possible ways for the end of humanity to happen, this is the most inevitable. No joke. Our biology is too adaptable for a plague to properly wipe us out, zombies aren’t actually a thing, and you don’t get anywhere in politics by having a spine so nuclear war is actually really unlikely. But science? Science never stops, and it only goes in one direction.
“But Joey, we’ll program the superior beings we designed to be exponentially smarter and faster than us not to hurt us. And with them being exponentially smarter and faster than us, they could never find a way around our exponentially inferior and slower programming skills.”
Good point, every person I’ve ever had this discussion with. Way to think things through. We’ll just outsmart them.
The only real question is how should we design our unfeeling, genocidal robot overlords: Cylons, Replicants, Terminators, or Matrix style? I think murderous sexbots would be kind of a cool way to go. I’m pretty sure Japan is already on top of that (as seen in Ghost in the Shell 2).
Hey look everyone, there is a God and He really did have a plan! Sure, it was a pretty fucked up plan, but now He’s here to rapture all of the righteous into eternal paradise where we were all supposed to go anyways when we died of natural causes or whatever. It’s cool, though; mysterious ways and all that. My body is ready, Lord.
Wait, what do you mean I didn’t give enough money to institutions led by pedophiles and bigots while I was on Earth? Really God? REALLY?! Well, at least I get front row seats to the greatest show on Earth. I’m sure Satan knows how it’s going to end being that he’s already been down this road, but I appreciate him trying because who doesn’t want to see the Four Horsemen with their own eyes? I can already hear the Metallica song blasting.
I’m going to be pretty disappointed if the dragon and beasts are metaphorical. How lame would that be if the religious conservatives are right and Obama is actually the Antichrist? So unsatisfying. I mean, if the entire prophecy is metaphorical, this whole scenario probably isn’t happening. So let’s just say there is a literal dragon and seven-headed beasts with an alarmingly asymmetrical number of horns and “blasphemous names” for each head. I kind of want to hear what the blasphemous names are. They sound neat. I’ll bet they’re like black metal band names.
But yeah, before zombies, before the plague, before comics and moving pictures, before technology or alien invasions or any of it, you had Revelation. The granddaddy of all of the apocalyptic scenarios in our culture still inspires imaginations the world over and is the subject of study by those who think of it in metaphorical terms and in literal ones. And how often do you hear it referenced in other apocalypse stories? Like, just about every time out? Sounds right.
So who wants to be a lone badass wandering the post-apocalyptic wastelands? I do! I do! If you survive, maybe we can team up and take down some zombies or cannibals or something sometime. It’ll be cool.
Sometimes you love a movie so much that you can’t wait for the next chapter. Other times, you hope they go out on a high note and the words “part two” are never uttered. Then there are those you couldn’t care less about one way or the other. Any of these could apply to the following list of sequels you have probably never even heard of. Warning: there are some spoilers, but you shouldn't care.
5. THE FLY II
Jeff Goldblum became a giant fly and had his head blown off at the end of the first film. So yes, you can safely assume this movie is a name-only sequel in terms of the stars and writers. But it’s got the Roman numeral two, which is way more badass, right? Wrong.
4. GARFIELD: A TAIL OF TWO KITTIES
If you think this one’s surprising, just imagine if Bill Murray did the voice of Garfield again! What’s that? Really? Garbage bags full of money, you say? Ah, now it makes perfect sense.
3. TOOTH FAIRY 2
If you walk into a video shop, you could probably dig through the rack and buy this straight-to-DVD gem for way more than it’s worth (if they’re charging anything more than a button that fell off your shirt).
2. SHOCK TREATMENT
“I don’t remember the original Shock Treatment,” says dumb guy. That’s because you didn’t let us explain first, you idiot. This is actually a sequel to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” the movie with so much silhouetted tranny sex you’d think you died and went to Alfred Hitchcock’s cross-dressing brother’s house.
1. LOOK WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY’S BABY
Seriously, look. Please. If you don’t, no one will.
The best twist endings in movies? Those that enhance the film’s previous two hours without rendering them moot.
From Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho” in 1960 to modern classics like “Memento,” twist endings have shocked audiences for decades. Who can forget that she was dead the entire time? Or that he was the criminal mastermind? Or that they were all in his mind?
Below, enjoy ten of the greatest twist endings in movie history.
10. AMERICAN PSYCHO
The Set-Up: Manhattan trader Pat Bateman spends his days doling out fashion tips, eating in the city’s finest restaurants and occasionally hacking people to pieces with his trusty axe. He’s an American psycho, you see.
The Twist: Having confessed to his murders, Bateman realizes that many of his supposed victims are still alive and kicking, the suggestion being that his crimes have only played out in his head.
The Set-Up: Guy Pearce plays Leonard Shelby, a man incapable of making new memories. As he hunts for the villains who made him this way and killed his wife, he sets about tattooing himself with clues to help him remember the case.
The Twist: Leonard’s wife actually survived the attack. It was he who killed his diabetic partner by bungling her insulin injections. Rather than face up to his guilt, Leonard has chosen to exploit his condition to restore meaning and purpose to his life.
8. THE OTHERS
The Set-Up: Grace and her two kids seem to be sharing their country home with some uninvited guests from the spirit world.
The Twist: Grace is dead, as are her children. Not only are all three of them ghosts, but Grace is the one who made them so, having been driven mad with loneliness. She killed the kids and then herself!
7. THE MIST
The Set-Up: Tom Jane and friends finally lose all hope of salvation as their little car finally runs out of gas, a host of otherworldly beasties still milling around outside. Reaching for his gun, Jane sadly dispatches his fellow survivors, saving the last bullet for his young son.
The Twist: Two minutes later the army turn up. If only he’d been a little more patient…
6. FIGHT CLUB
The Set-Up: As Project Mayhem begins to spiral out of control, Ed Norton’s narrator sets about attempting to shut down the movement, following Tylder Durden’s paper trail from city to city.
The Twist: Wherever the narrator goes, he’s greeted as Tyler by the members of the project. Soon enough, Tyler turns up to spell things out: he and the narrator are two sides of one split personality. Or to quote Tyler himself: “I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.”
The Set-Up: A doctor and a photographer awake to find themselves trapped in a dingy bathroom, with only a corpse, a saw and some instructions for company. Having been told that one must kill the other in order to survive, the pair realize a grisly task lies ahead.
The Twist: When one of the men finally makes his escape (having sawn off his foot to do so), the other is left with the corpse as he waits for help to be sent. Suddenly, the corpse rises to its feet, revealing itself to be none other than the Jigsaw killer himself. “Game over,” he snarls as he locks the door behind him.
The Set-Up: Mad old Mrs. Bates has been preying on the guests of the Bates Motel, sneaking up on them during their most intimate moments before hacking them to pieces. As plucky Lila Crane goes prowling around the old Bates house, she spies Mrs. Bates sitting in the cellar and prepares to confront her.
The Twist: Mrs. Bates is nothing more than a mummified corpse. Norman on the other hand, is alive and well.
The Set-Up: Having worked his way through five of the seven deadly sins, serial killer John Doe inexplicably turns himself in to detectives Mills and Somerset, promising to show them where the last two bodies are hidden. As the trio reach the wasteland Doe has led them to, a delivery van arrives to bring them a package.
The Twist: The package contains the severed head of Detective Mills’ wife. Consumed by jealousy of Mills’ happy home life, Doe has become Envy, whilst Mills becomes Wrath as he shoots Doe in the head. And so the madman’s masterwork is finally complete.
2. THE SIXTH SENSE
The Set-Up: Young Haley Joel Osment suffers from an unusual condition—that’s right, he sees dead people. Fortunately, Bruce Willis’ friendly psychologist is on hand to help him through it. Not that things are all roses for Bruce, whose relationship with his wife has gotten so bad that she barely seems to acknowledge his presence.
The Twist: Bruce was dead all along, which is why only Haley Joel could see him. Ta-daaaa!
1. THE USUAL SUSPECTS
The Set-Up: When a botched heist leaves a boat full of corpses at the door of inspector Dave Kujan, he ropes in limping conman Verbal Kint for a protracted haul across the coals. As he leans on the hapless Kint, he learns the legend of a monstrous crime lord known as Keyser Soze.
The Twist: Convinced he has wrung the cripple dry, Kujan sends Kint on his merry way before realizing he’s just been fed a pack of lies. Meanwhile, out on the street, Verbal Kint shakes off his limp and rides off into the sunset. And just like that, Keyser Soze is gone.
The Dark Knight trilogy and Marvel Phase 1 films set a new standard for what superhero movies can be. We’ve come a long way in the last decade, and we have been treated to some real gems. Have you watched “The Dark Knight Rises”? It is brilliant. The first “Iron Man” was a huge gamble that played off and started a train of great movies that led to the crowning jewel of superhero movies, “The Avengers.”
It wasn’t but a few years ago that superhero movies were…let’s go with “not great.”
It’s time for a trip down memory lane folks. Today, we are going to give you a look at some of the worst superhero movies ever made, and let me be the first to tell you, this is quite a list. With all the recent success at the box office, the impressive amount of zeros that accompany superhero movies box office sales, and the charming good looks of Robert Downey, you might have forgotten about some of these instant…classics?
So here we go. The ten most awful superhero movies ever made…
10. METEOR MAN (1993)
Man gets hit in the chest with a meteor and gains super powers to fight those who are causing trouble on the streets of his town. Holy wow! What a premise! And guess what? The movie sucks just as much as you might imagine that it does.
9. GENERATION X (1996)
For those unfamiliar, Generation X is a storyline from the comics that focuses on a teenage faction of the X-Men who are not mentored by Xavier, but instead by Banshee and Emma Frost. Sadly, the movie was not good at all. Acting, story, look, feel—it all missed horribly.
8. MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND (2006)
This movie actually had a lot of things going for it. Great cast (Uma Thurman, Luke Wilson). Decent premise. Enough of a chance to be something good. Instead it gets dragged down by plenty of cheesy dialogue and a meandering story.
7. HULK (2003)
Ang Lee is a great director. Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, both very good. That is the end of the good with this movie. This movie is very easy to diagnose. Ang Lee directs introspective, character driven movies very well. The Hulk, as a character, does not function well in that format.
6. SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007)
I want to like this movie so much. It’s Spider-Man. And Sam Raimi. The real issue comes from the fact that there are close to 700 villains in this movie. Okay, maybe three. The sheer amount of story and character make this movie tough to stomach.
5. GREEN LANTERN (2011)
This movie was a throwaway and a bust. Why? Because it was bad. The writing and Ryan Reynold’s acting were decidedly not Hal Jordan. At the very least, Ryan met Blake Lively, and now they are probably the best looking couple on the planet.
4. ELEKTRA (2005)
When a fierce warrior survives a near-death experience, she becomes a killer for hire. As in, she was hired to kill the audience. It was bad. That’s what I’m trying to say here. Not a strong enough character (or acting for that matter) to carry an entire flick on its own.
3. DAREDEVIL (2003)
Like “Elektra,” this is another poorly done origin story. The direction and acting are both poor. On the bright side, Ben Affleck meets his future wife. That has to be worth something to moviegoers, right? Wrong. We don’t care about your love story, Affleck.
2. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
From the outset, this movie was a dud. It was immediately called out for its very un-Batman like stylings. Mr. Freeze became very cartoony, Poison Ivy was almost a gimmick character, Alicia Silverstone was a poor choice in a bad role. The story left a lot to desired. Also, Bat-Nipples.
1. STEEL (1997)
This movie was a disaster from the get-go. Terrible effects (even for the time). Don’t even call what this movie has acting. At the end of the day, this was a chance to grab money from Shaq fans. Don’t watch it.