Kate Beckinsale amazes me.

She’s the one 40-something-year-old mom of an 18-year-old who has booked less than five movies in her hot as fuck life…but who manages to maintain a crazy nerd following that is so loyal to her and her amazing ass that she doesn’t really have to bother doing shit. Which is really a place I like all girls to be. I mean, when you look like this, why fucking bother doing anything else?
 
 
Stephanie Seymour is in St. Barts and she is in a bikini and these are the pics.

She made be old as fuck now, but when she was 16 she destroyed the marriage of a dude who ran the modeling agency she was part of…that little 16-year-old harlot all wives fear coming into ruin their marriages…which was more interesting than when she dated Axl Rose…and they beat the shit out of each other because she was unfaithful…even though he asked her not to cry in the cold November Rain.

Now she’s just married to some dude who owns paper mills, magazines and a lot of art…and I guess a house in St. Barts where she parades her cheating, old model ass…and it could be worse…she could be 250 pounds.
 
 
Miranda Kerr is not nearly nude enough for this photoshoot, where she got into some one-piece bathing suits, as she ventures out on her own, into the cold dark scary world without a corporate backer…something that could really backfire for her, despite having a pretty popular actor husband, and a lot of money in the bank…so even if she fails, she’ll be okay, she’s already won.
 
What I don’t understand is why in this new Miranda Kerr hustle, she doesn’t get naked? I mean, after years of being half-naked for Victoria’s Secret with her vagina and nipples Photoshopped off of her like she was Angelina Jolie hiding from cancer, you’d think now that she’s emancipated herself, her rebellion would be hard nipples and bush everywhere.
 
I guess people aren’t as logical thinking as me…but by their definition I’m pretty autistic. Logic is what we do, bitches.
 
 
If you can jerk off to this, you can jerk off to anything and your resistance to the elements and ability to perform is something I commend and think should be celebrated instead of frowned upon…
 
 
These are some really sexy pics of Helena Bonham-Carter showing her gothic, witchy, intense, haggard, possibly high and amazing small tits in a black bra…and as erotic as these pictures are, I still think this bitch is genius. I wish she did more porn…because sometimes you don’t have to be hotness to make me want to stick my dick between your Tim Burton-owned, A-cup titties. Sometimes you just have to be rich and famous. I’m so superficial.
 
 
Christy Turlington is some 44-year-old amazing model who still has it going on…who has been modeling for Calvin Klein since 1987…that’s 26 fucking years! And she’s still bringing it and that blows my fucking mind because historically, at least as far as I’m concerned, models who are 26, not who have been modeling for 26 years, are already too old, haggard, fat, falling apart at the seams, damaged from all the hard fucking their way to the top, coupled with cocaine and AIDS they got from the A-listers they had inside them, thinking it was real love, before realizing A-listers don’t give a fuck about anyone, not even amazing models, because there are hundreds just as hot and just as willing.

Anyway, mindfuck or not, half-naked Christy Turlington, despite being a married soccer mom in her 40s, blows my fucking mind, which is good enough for me…and it’s really all about me…isn’t it?
 
 
As much as I don’t like Nicole Richie for various reasons…from being an enemy of the site to being a brat the one time I hung out with her…she is kinda cute and more importantly, a testament to the power of plastic surgery and its ability to take your broken-down face and body that we all saw in her 20s…and mold it into a mom I’d totally fuck in her 30s, something that never happens…the aging gracefully shit is really a dude thing, women usually melt away and get more and more fucking disgusting.

So seeing her suggestive bikini in her summer dress see-through shit may not be that exciting, but I’ll give her some credit for putting her ugly, unwanted baby up for adoption, and turning it around and winning at life.
 
 
Here are some catalog shots of Adriana Lima for Victoria’s Secret that are Photoshopped to shit and shot in a way that doesn’t make her look like an old fat mom of 12. I guess she’s one of their big names and sells a lot of product for them and they are not ready to put her on the backburner of their roster and just have her show up to reunion tour events just yet, because they stupidly locked her into a 10 year contract they can’t get out of, without realizing that by 30, she’ll look more like she’s 45. They took a gamble, but at least the corrupt billion-dollar company is doing the best they can with what they have, I guess.
 
 
Despite being a German freak who probably likes being shit on, with an army of kids from various fathers, one of whom was rumored to have a penis the size of a wine bottle…and despite being in her 40s or 50s or God knows how old but old enough to have been around for almost as long as I can remember, and more importantly, being amazing to look at for as long as I can remember…in a “I bet she was bred in a German human testing facility back in World War II, because there is no way this bitch is real, human, or possible,” I appreciate the fact that she’s still got it, this time for Instagram where not only does she show us the scientific art that is her body, but also, the art that she’s made on her body, because she’s silly like that…a perfect level of silly that I think requires more nipple, but I’ll take what I can get.

Either way, this is some feel good shit. Smiles for everyone!
 
 
Christina Milian doesn’t really grasp the whole being a mom means stop trying to be a video vixen, half-naked whore, twerking at every pool party she is invited to, and even when she’s not at a pool party, she’s out there in her bikini snapping pics of herself in the bikini, because after being divorced and failing at relationship, it is nice to have some male attention to feel like you still got it, and if you’ve got the budget to hire a replacement mom to watch your kid, while you’re taking booty pics, why the fuck wouldn’t you.

This is like the rich person version of that meme that circulated years ago of a woman doing a masturbation selfie with her kid in the background playing…only more luxurious with all the rich person amenities…to make it less weird to masturbate to.