Yes, apparently there is now such a thing as Star Wars-themed vibrators. I  know a few geeks who just creamed themselves at the mere mention of such a possibility and I am one of them.

I covet them all. ALL OF THEM. Out of this particular batch, I gotta say, Lord Vader is my favorite if only because of the copy that reads: “Who’s Your Daddy?” 
 

10. GUIDETTE LOVE DOLL

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If this is supposed to be Snooki, then God help us all.

9. KOCHI

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This is mildly terrifying.

8. DUZZY DUCK

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This is a duck with a vagina. Enough said.

7. TAKE-HOME TIGER

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This may be worth owning for the jokes on the box.

6. LADY GAG GAG 

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Gag GaGa. Now that’s comedy.

5. G.I.L.F.

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Ugh.

4. FAT-ASS

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So it’s like a tarp?

3. MIDGET MAN

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Midget Man. Because who knows why.

2. BAREBACK MOUNT HIM

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Bareback Mount Him. Witty.

1. LITTLE “HO” PEEP & HER SHEEP

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It’s Little Bo Beep and some sheep, because you’re just that awful.

 
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Virtual Reality is one of those technologies that came out strong and got everyone excited, but never really panned out. We saw it used in movies to fight evil programs and have computer sex. It has been used by the military to train soldiers for decades. Thirty years later, however, I’m still playing videogames and masturbating in 2D using a monitor. Thanks for nothing, technology.

Thanks to a company called Oculus VR, some of those promises are about to become a reality. The company is currently working on Oculus Rift, a head mounted virtual reality display that has been in the hands of developers for a few months. A number of videogame companies have endorsed the product and promised to support it. However, as of right now there is only one thing anyone cares about: 3D Interactive Virtual Reality Porn.

We’ve seen promising interactive porn technologies in the past. I personally had the pleasure of using the VStroker system which lets you interact with porn using a motion sensor strapped to the end of a Fleshlight. I laughed, I cried, and I set some personal masturbatory records.

If you coupled this with a virtual reality system like the Oculus Rift, you would have the makings of one hell of a good evening. Somebody already figured this out and made a fake Oculus Rift commercial that depicts exactly what I plan on doing with it.

 
Every few weeks or so, I let the Internet rape my brain with a deluge of bizarre sex toys. Then I choose the top five that I can stomach and pop them up here for your entertainment and/or shopping list ideas. 

5. JUSTIN BIEBER SEX DOLL 

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I think this is meant for gay men but I’m buying it for Boy Abunda…you know, for posing with on Instagram…and you know, for him to have sex with.

4. INFLATABLE SOUNDER

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Know what this is? Where it goes? Well, that long, thin black bit at the center is meant to go into a man’s pee hole. Fair enough, since I’m a pervert, that’s pretty tame to me…but then the toy inflates.

INFLATES!

3.  FUCK SAW

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It can be dangerous and time consuming to make your own Fuck Saw, that is attaching a dildo to a power saw. Now you can buy one pre-made and avoid the murder charge when you accidentally saw your girlfriend in half from the inside.

2. ELECTRO-STIM BUTT PLUG

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This is an electrified butt plug. I’m no doctor. Hell, I didn’t even finish high school. Hell, I’m functionally illiterate. But it can’t be healthy to send electrical currents up into your ass.

1. LABRADOR RETRIEVER DOG PENIS DILDO WITH INFLATABLE KNOT

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It’s a dog dick dildo. Enough said.

 
Want to really impress your lady for her birthday? Buy her one of these ridiculously expensive sex toys. Remember to “accidentally” leave the price tag on, so she knows exactly how much you spent on her. Otherwise, the whole thing is pretty pointless.

5. MASTURBATION MIRROR – $1,598 

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Who doesn’t like to take a little peek at themselves while they’re enjoying a good ol’ session of self-love? But I’m pretty sure you could get a similar mirror at the Dollar Store for like, uh, a dollar.

4. STERLING SILVER & CHERRY WOOD SPANKING ROD – $3,066

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I think I should change the direction of my career. Maybe start making luxury sex toys. I could go outside and cut down that oak tree right now and make a nice little profit. I’m sure my landlord wouldn’t mind. 

 3. DIAMOND ENCRUSTED PLATINUM VIBRATOR – $3,250

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For the woman who likes it real hard. Like “cut through glass” hard. Vaginas are pretty much bulletproof anyhow, right? 

2. HORSE TAIL SILVER BUTT PLUG – $3,475

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If I could afford this, I would buy it. Come on now, it’s a motherfucking horsetail! Make it white and throw in a unicorn headdress and I might never take it out.

1. GOLD TICKLER – $4,506

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Marabou feathers and 18-karat gold? Sign me up. Oh wait, never mind. I’ll just pluck the feathers off the dead pigeon I saw on my way into the office this morning and hot glue them to my grandmother’s engagement ring. DIY, baby! Works every time.

 
It’s been awhile since we’ve endured a list of sex toy nightmares. Here’s the top five examples we’ve been afflicted with today.

5. CUPCAKE VIBRATOR

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Cupcakes are so 2007…also this is making me hungry…also if you can make yourself cum with this you probably also orgasm while eating cake.

4. THE ADULT FUN STOOL 

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Whoa! How’d this get on the list? Because this is awesome! I want one for the office. I’d be like 1000% more productive at blogging if this was my chair at work.

3. VIBRATING PUSSY WITH TONGUE

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I’ll be the first to say tongues belong in pussies, but not like this…never like this.

2. VIBRATOR JEWELRY NECKLACE

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This necklace is more beautiful than wearing a dong around your neck. But won’t people be concerned by that smell of pussy wafting up from your neck?

1. MY 1ST PREGNANT LATINA KNOCKED UP PUSSY

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This seems like a very specific fetish to mass manufacture a product for.

Yes, I have two.


 
I’ve been reading the Big Book of Sex Toys, which has got me totally horny for an insanely long list of luxury and quality sex toys.

When it comes to novelty or “strange” sex toys, though, you really don’t have to spend that much money. The downside is that they’re not built to last and probably can’t withstand too much abuse, but then again, it’s not every night that you’re in the mood for dildos that attach to your heel.

You may be put off at first, but when you put your prejudices away, you’d be surprised how much fun you can have with weird sex toys. This list isn’t even that bad, but each item was found with the Google search “strange sex toys,” so someone out there thinks these are super weird, but I’m here to say, I’d totally give them a go.

5. the heeldo

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It’s a dildo harness that fits on the heel of your foot. The idea being that you kneel on a your bed and lower your ass onto the dildo in order to fuck yourself. 


4. ELECTRO GLOVES

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Yes, these are in fact silver gloves that conduct electricity. They better; otherwise the fact that they’re hooked-up to a battery would be totally pointless. 


3. FANTASY WEB

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It’s a bondage web! A fucking bondage web! Throw in a Spider-Man costume and I’m ready to go. 


2. PLEASURE PERISCOPE

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It’s a periscope. It’s a vibrator. It’s a vibrating periscope. It’s like deep sea exploration, but inside a vagina.


1. AUTO SUCK

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With this little baby, you can AUTOmatically give yourself a blowjob and it plugs into your AUTOmobile. Genius.