Yep, that’s pretty much it, right there: “FIREFIGHTERS RESCUE MAN WITH PENIS STUCK IN TOASTER” is the whole story. Everything your mind just conjured is right on the money. There is no satisfactory explanation. Dude saw hole, dude stuck his penis in hole. Dude got penis stuck in hole.

It’s a tale as old as time. Toaster and The Beast.

An unnamed London man is tending to his injured penis after firefighters were called to come rescue it from the clutch of an evil toaster. It’s not a case of Maximum Overdrive—the toaster didn’t come alive and attack his junk—dude was just horny. And possibly suicidal. At least, that’s my guess. Surely there are safer appliances to stick your peen in than a toaster.

No word on whether the toaster was plugged or not.

That’s life for you. One minute you’re trying to butter your bread and the next, London’s finest are coming in for the hard rescue.

Firefighter Dave Brown doesn’t know if it’s the Fifty Shades of Grey effect, but he told The Mirror that sex-related injuries and rescues are becoming far too common in the last three years. The misuse of handcuffs being one of the top offenders.

In fact, firefighters have opened up about the toaster incident to warn the public against the misuse of household appliances, as in, “let’s all stop having sex with them so we don’t have to rescue your dumb asses and stuck penises. We got into the game to save kittens, not cocks.”

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