When opportunity knocks, Kim Kardashian doesn’t just answer, she greases up her lady squeaker, spreads her legs akimbo, and tricks opportunity right into making her a baby. When the earthquake hit Haiti, Kim used it as a primary centerpiece to divert attention away from her sham marriage to Kris Humphreys. While the press wanted to talk fraud, Kim was in Port-au-Prince passing out Kardashian Khaos gift cards to the starving kids in case they were ever in Vegas and in need of costume jewelry. With Typhoon Yolanda, Kim sniffed herself an even bigger opportunity to snatch a piece for herself. She gathered up a bunch of designer swag she’d been gifted and held an auction on eBay to raise money for typhoon relief charities, with proceeds going…

“…directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. XO.” — Kim trolling for donors on her website.

With Kim, it’s hard to say which are less powerful, her thoughts or her prayers. Still, she was giving both out. What Kim absentmindedly forgot to mention was that she was taking a 90% gross percentage off the top for being fucking awesome. Medical aid for the dying Filipinos receiving a measly ten percent. Even Gordon Gekko rose to call Kim a horrible greedy bitch. Sure, there are those of you who will say 10 percent is better than nothing, but that’s just because you’re still staring at her tits, thinking you got a shot.

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