Today is going rather slow for me. I’m here at work, waiting for my date to finish her photoshoot, and trying to think of smart-ass comments to share with you, my readers. Think of this as my version of Larry King’s column in USA Today. Just to get you comfortable, I’ll start with a few “King-isms”: 

1. If there’s a better movie than “White Chicks,” I haven’t seen it.

2. I’d love to eat a member of PETA.

3. A phrase you NEVER hear: “Thanks to my strict interpretation of the Bible, I have an active and fulfilling sex life!”

4. In my spare time, I like to create my own sandwiches. My latest invention? The Country Club Sandwich: All white meat, with mayo, and women aren’t allowed to eat it. I also created a Fight Club Sandwich, but I can’t tell you about it.

5. Blogs are a great repository for lame one-liners.

6. I was thinking about TLC’s Left-Eye Lopez the other day. She died in a car accident in Guatemala. 

If you’re like me, when you first heard the news, there was one question on your mind: “Wait a second, Guatemala has roads?”
7. Never watch “9 ½ Weeks” with your parents.

8. A guy walks into a lesbian bar, and says at the top of his lungs, “Hey, cool! Wall-to-wall carpeting!” 

Ok, it was me.

9. A false friend stabs you in the back. A true friend stabs you in the front. Whereas a boyfriend will stab you between the legs. 

10. I was talking to a female friend about “The Unspoken Rule.” 

She asked the next logical question: “Just who makes these rules anyway?” I thought about it a while, then answered, “Mutes.”

11. You know how to piss off a room full of bohemian feminists? Go to a poetry reading, walk up to the microphone and announce you’d like to read a new piece entitled “Fuck Sylvia Plath.”

12. The world would be a safer place if nerds got more booty. 
Boredom rocks. 

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