They say 95% of people admit to masturbating and the other 5% are liars. Ha ha, burn! Wankers. And it’s true that every so often you smack the walrus the right way and it feels alright so you keep doing it. It’s human nature. It’s dog nature. Have you ever seen a dog going to town on himself? You’d think he was getting paid.
Everyone enjoys a good wank now and then and because of that, we’ve come up with numerous ways to refer to it. Some of these euphemisms are sublime while others, like “wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel” are things no one has ever actually said out loud in the history of ever. This list, however, features the best of the best. You never need to express your self-love with any other term ever again.
10. THE FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE
A playful kind of sporting wank, the sort you do while listening to Top 40 on the radio.
9. TUG OF WAR WITH THE CYCLOPS
More serious yet still fantastical enough to invoke terrible beasts of lore.
8. FLOGGING THE DOLPHIN
A serious brand of self-pleasure that requires the brutal imagery of destroying one of nature’s wonders.
7. TAMING THE SHREW
An elegant affair, like all Shakespeare in modern ages, and may include talking dirty to yourself with an English accent.
6. SECRET HANDSHAKE
Very James Bond and very suave, this is a reward for a day of doing everything right. You go, champ!
5. RUBBING ONE OUT
This is all business, no times for bells and whistles. You have a job to do.
4. MAKING CHOWDER WITH SAILOR NED
A real self-loathing kind of masturbation that you do when you’re angry or when you’re the kind of person who bathes at irregular intervals.
3. SPANKING THE MONKEY
The kind of fun and frolicking wank of simpler times, like during the summer’s of youth in the pond at camp.
2. JACKING OFF
Done because it needs to be done.
Done because you care.