You may have noticed a stark lack of The Nerdy Perv last week. Where had I been? Did I die? Was I sold into sex slavery? No! I was on vacation. I vacated!

Where did I go? Bangkok, Thailand! I know, it’s not Europe, but it’s wall-to-wall brothels and casinos and big ass trannies. Here’s the highlight reel in bullet form…

1. A $300 a night hotel room has 3 sinks in it. 3! God, that’s a lot of water.

2. Three hours is how long I can spend in a hot tub before I become violently ill.

3. No one calls you a high roller if you win $250 on a slot machine.

4. You can make $5 last until you’re thoroughly drunk whilst playing blackjack, if you’re lucky.

5. My hotel fridge froze every single liquid placed inside it.

6. Waffles are perfectly acceptable meals to eat several times over the course of 4 days.

7. Vodka is also an acceptable meal.

8. No one controls their children. No one.

9. Every restaurant in a tourist town expects you to want to eat a massive, fatty fat breakfast that would feed an entire family in Africa.

10. I’m barely charming enough to convince a woman to touch me when I’m drunk. But apparently, barely is enough in Bangkok.

11. Souvenir is a French word that means “total piece of shit.”

12. I got to pet a bearded dragon and it was pretty great.

13. Waitresses in tourist towns come in two varieties: the super friendly awesome kind and the horrible, crusty bitch ass kind. I met both!

14. Room service pizza doesn’t taste better than the exact same pizza in the restaurant downstairs, but it is $15 more to buy it.

15. It’s hard to find time to eat properly when you wake up at midnight and aren’t sure where you are.

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