Christmas is coming and I’m already broke. Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like Ninja Turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list. As much as people pretend to disdain the commercial aspect of the season, we kind of love it, too. We like presents. I like presents, anyway. But let’s be honest, a lot of presents are full-on shit. They don’t need to exist and certainly don’t need to be owned or purchased.

15. A bathrobe. Nobody really uses bathrobes and if they do, it’s because someone gave them one and they didn’t have the heart to throw it out

14. A new sweater. I have never needed a new sweater. I have two and they’ve done their job for years.

13. Brandy Beans. Possibly the most disgusting holiday chocolate ever, tastes like rubbing alcohol shat on some Raisenettes.

12. Crocs. Just tell someone you hate them, don’t mock them

11. Body wash or other toiletries because that’s a shameful state of affairs and is a passive aggressive way of telling someone they stink.

10. Mercury Drug gift card. It says I don’t know what to get you, but I know I want it to make you feel bad.

9. Precious Moments figurines. They’re disgusting and creepy and everyone knows it.

8. Anything As Seen On TV. This stuff is shit, that’s why they have to sell it to shut-ins.

7. A new scarf. This is the worst piece of winter clothing ever. It’s just material that no one made into anything better.

6. A photo album, because it’s not 1981

5. An offbrand MP3 player. Because the products made by Elektriplooz are not reliable.

4. Transformers DVDs. Only you can stop Shia Labeouf.

3. Cologne or perfume. Inevitably you will pick the one scent that most resembles feces to the recipient.

2. A Panzer tank. Really impractical

1. Nude photos of Boy Abunda.

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