The Catholic Church is enjoying an unprecedented time in its history thanks to one man: Pope Francis. Unlike the last two Popes, Pope Francis actually seems like a guy who wants to use his influence to make the world a better place. It’s ironic and sad to say this, but he seems like a genuinely good man. Why is that surprising?  Because I can’t think of another genuinely good man in any position of power anywhere on Earth. You could argue for people like P-Noy, but it’s clear, especially after the numerous scandals of the last few years, he’s just doing what he can to get by. He’s not sticking his neck out. No one is. Except that crazy Pope.

Not only has the Pope basically said everyone should stop giving such a damn about gay marriage, he’s called out corruption in the Church, opposed the greed of the high ranking officials, condemned the abuse the Church is known for, called out the 1% and the abuses of capitalism that leave people poor and wanting, admitted that even an Atheist can be good in God’s eyes and get into heaven and, if the latest rumor is to be believed, the dude sneaks out at night to give money to poor people.

I’m not ashamed to admit I find the Pope inspiring. I love goodness in people. I love it when someone can spread a hopeful message, and I suspect that’s why most people fell for P-Noy initially. And where he couldn’t back it up, Pope Francis seems to be able to. He doesn’t just say love thy neighbor, he gets out of his car and hugs a disfigured dude.

What’s next for the Pope? God only knows (that’s a little joke), but we have some ideas. What could a Pope who doesn’t care for money or politics do in this world?

1. FIRE SHITTY PRIESTS

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Call me old fashioned, but I think failures deserve to fail. Kid gets crappy marks, he fails the grade. Guy screws up his job, he gets fired. So when a priest decides to be a drunkard, or steal money or, you know, serially molest his parishioners, maybe you kick that piece of shit out of the Church. For many years the Catholic tradition has been to ignore the problem or move it somewhere new so it can happen to unsuspecting victims all over again. That’s money and politics. But new Pope hates that shit! The Catholic church should just straight up excommunicate every crap ass priest. Will it cause some parishes to have no priest at all? Sure. But it will build enough goodwill amongst the people of the world that new priests will fill in the gaps eventually. Better to have no priest than an awful one.

2. REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH

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The new Pope is on board with looking down on Church officials living extravagant lifestyles. Fact is, the Catholic Church is estimated to run a $170 billion operation in America alone. Worldwide the figure must be staggering, potentially upwards of a trillion when you factor in the priceless artifacts, buildings, art and land—all in the Church’s coffers. Catholics be rolling in it. And they earned a lot of that shit, too.  How many other organizations have existed since we started our calendar? Not a lot.

I won’t suggest the Church give up all its money, but maybe redistribute some of it. The poor can be helped a lot better with that cash than any rich Cardinal could. And rich Churches in rich cities don’t need to keep that collection plate money—give that shit to the community. That was the purpose of it to begin with, to help maintain the Church and also the congregation and the poor. Wealthy churches should therefore be in a much greater position to help the poor all the time. Combine this with Church investments and maybe cutting back on some unnecessarily high wages for some church officials and you got yourself a fine, charitable organization.

3. OK DEPRAVITY

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In an effort to advance society, it’s time we stopped giving a shit about stuff no one has any business giving a shit about. The Pope took a huge step forward by basically saying gay marriage isn’t something to care about. Another thing? Oral sex.  Butt sex. Condoms. Premarital sex. Do you need to do these things? No. But stop having a fit when people do, ya weird Bible thumpers. If we’re on cosmic scales being scrutinized by the Almighty and I’m standing on one side after living a life of terrible sexual depravity and you’re on the other side, a proud prude who only had missionary sex during wedlock with the lights out and only to have kids, you went to Church every weekend and you never even drank booze, but maybe you also spread hatred and killed a guy once, I win! I win! Because spreading the joy and pleasure of handjobs will always be more godly than spreading hate and violence and I dare you to find a worthwhile god who disagrees with me.

People need to not be so hung up on the private lives of everyone else in the world and start caring about real problems. If one of your neighbors is a gay man who wants to get married and the other is a single mom whose kids eat ketchup sandwiches, go knock on the gay guy’s door and ask him and his future husband if maybe the three of you can help the lady next door somehow. Stop being a monster.

 



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