The MTV Video Music Awards were held recently, another opportunity for famous, rich people to congratulate other famous, rich people on how awesome they are. But not once, not once, have the VMAs ever acknowledged the stunning fashion sense of the world’s most powerful human beings. No, not swamp mutants, world leaders. The fact is, the leaders of the free world look stunning 9 times out of 10. And that 10th time they still look pretty remarkable, like a hobo bathing in a public fountain. They’re wondrous. So, since no one in liberal Hollywood is going to do it, The Nerdy Perv is going to step up and rank some of history’s most visually stunning leaders.
5. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Abe Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, was about 6’4” in a time when the average human didn’t grow more than 4’6” as near as our research department can figure. Plus he wore a hat that added another foot, because he liked to rub it in. As you can see in the above photo, when he hung out with Civil War reenactment types, he would often dress as the bastard child of Charlie Chaplin and Pinhead. In that hat. It’s hard to say why his suit jacket goes down to his knees, except as a way to make people want to mock him for wearing a skirt before he dropped a size 13 boot right down their size 5 extra narrow gullets.
4. BARACK OBAMA
These days Barack Obama is all about tailored suits and eating ice cream like he just doesn’t give a shit. But back in the day, the Audacity of Hope was all about the audacity of that smooth ass hat and a cigarette. This is a man who listened to Kool and the Gang and probably took change off your coffee table when you weren’t in the room, but later would buy you some Danish so it was square.
3. KIM JONG-IL
Former insane master of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il’s wonkiness in all other arenas was only ever outmatched by his stellar fashion sense which is almost entirely on display in the above pic. Sometimes he wore a jacket, but generally he opted for beige splendor or black pajamas. Notice how the lines on beige splendor draw your eye to his tiny Buddha and across his man boobies, as though the Dear Leader wanted all of his people to know their fates rested on the ample bosom of a tiny little troll. And of course, his thick glasses and loose-fitting ensemble practically screams, “I smell like tobacco and old farts.”
2. VLADIMIR PUTIN
Vladimir Putin was the 2nd President of the Russian Federation and is the current Prime Minister of Russia. But more important than that is, if you Google him, you’ll find pictures of him on horseback, fishing, swimming with dolphins, playing with dogs and carrying rifles through fields, all shirtless. Why doesn’t he wear a shirt? Who the hell knows, but he’s armed, he’s taken out tigers and polar bears in the past, and he’s ex-KGB. Vladimir Putin is every James Bond villain ever.
1. MUAMMAR GADDAFI
Recently shot dictator Muammar Gaddafi was known for many atrocious things in his life but, for the purposes of a lowbrow comedy article, we’ll make fun of the way he looked like the star of Cirque du Soleil’s Detroit operation. When not in a cartoon character’s military uniform, he stole drapes from eccentric old ladies and wrapped himself in them, perhaps to help inspire his love letters to Condoleeza Rice.