I have gone on terrible Internet dates so you don’t have to. Take these stories, learn from them, and pass them on. The stigma from computer dating is gone now; nearly everyone has tried it. Perhaps you yourself are considering it right now. First, read these. You’re welcome.
1. THE SEX CRIER
So Sex Crier and I have a little conversation. Apparently this is a thing that happens often to her, and the best approach is to just keep on going. While she cries. For a reason she will not discuss. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to have relations while being soaked in a shower of your partner’s tears, but it’s a bit of a mood killer. And it doesn’t help when she starts yelling at you for seeming distracted. Because how could you possibly not stay in the moment when a weeping lady is insisting you have sex with her? This relationship did not last terribly long.
2. THE DEAF TEACHER
Me: So how did you get into teaching deaf children?
Deaf Teacher: Oh, I didn’t want to really, but it costs less to get a degree in teaching the deaf than it does to teach normal kids, so I figured, “why not”?
Me (mulling that one over): …Oh? Are there government grants or something?
Deaf Teacher: Yeah, and now I know why. It sucks teaching deaf kids. They can’t hear at all, and it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I just kinda give up.
Me: That seems…you give up?
Deaf Teacher: Well, yelling doesn’t work because they’re deaf, you know? They don’t really prepare you for that in the classes.
Me (looking around to see if anyone else is getting this): Yeah, no that must be-
Deaf Teacher: I just do it so I can have money for CF.
Deaf Teacher: Casino Filipino. I kinda have a thing for blackjack. I go down every Friday and play through the weekend. When I save up enough I’m gonna quit teaching and become a professional blackjack player. Gambling is so much more fun than working with deaf kids. And you’re allowed to drink.
Me: I fold.
3. GIRL WITH A MUSTACHE
4. THIS DATE IS ON FIRE
It really goes up apparently, and she doesn’t now what to do. Her date, being the gentleman he was, takes the matter in hand and…starts laughing. He loves it so much that instead of helping her he takes out his cellphone and snaps a picture! AMAZING. Finally, the poor girl’s waiter runs over and pats down her hair with a towel. I say again, AMAZING.
No matter what happens, I will always be a better date than the guy who lit a girl’s hair on fire.
5. THE GIRL WHO LIVED IN A SHACK
I was downtrodden, but such is life. Then, months later, I saw the roommate of this girl out at a bar. After a bit of chitchat, I asked how the ex was doing. The answer that I will never forget was “oh, I don’t know. She kinda went nutty. After she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” He was a “survivalist,” whatever that is, and chose to live without electricity or running water to make a point about society. And she lived with him. FANTASTIC. You know you’ve won a breakup when you hear the sentence “after she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.”
And the sad thing is, I’m only scratching the surface here. I have reams and reams of these stories; believe me. But maybe that’s not sad. The crazy, the unpredictable, the highly flammable—they’re all part of the Internet dating experience. You take the good with the bad, and if the last was lousy, then maybe the next will be outstanding. Hey, I know I’m no prize. I mean, I have a blog for God sakes. I’m sure I’ve provided a funny story or two for the women I’ve dated. Here’s hoping they don’t have a blog too.