7. IRONIC BELT BUCKLES
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000.
6. BLUETOOTH HEADSET
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end. When you’re at a Jollibee drive-thru and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Santos account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No gravy. I said no gravy! Yeah, that’s right, Santos account on my desk,” it’s pretty goddamn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing bluetooth wireless headsets are military field generals.
5. TRICKED OUT BICYCLES
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker, you just look like some sixth-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly bent handlebars and wacky forks, your “cruiser” looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could’ve gotten a fucking car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.
4. FIDEL CASTRO HATS
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camouflaged coloring make you look like a retarded son of an army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-conformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.
3. GUITAR HERO
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this videogame. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now.
2. LONGBOARD SKATEBOARDS
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: If a normal skateboarder falls, he injures himself. You are traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you’ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you’re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It’d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.
1. FUNNY RINGTONES
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it “ring” 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your ass. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.