I try to keep the horrific but strangely compelling “man loses his genitals” stories to twice a week…max. But today is one of those days that demand three terrible stories about men losing their junk to ravenous animals.

I guess I particularly relate to this report of missing junk as it involves 45-year-old Geraldo Ramos passing out drunk on the street and waking up with no dick. As someone who often collapses drunk in public, I have a special relationship to this news story. I’ve woken up without my wallet, without my shirt, and once covered in piss that didn’t seem to be possible to be all mine, but every time I do wake up, at least I wake up with my penis intact.

Mr. Ramos blacked out while black out drunk in the Dominican Republic and when he finally arose, he was dickless. Where’d his dick go? Nobody knows. Neighbors reported seeing some dogs attacking the passed out Ramos. Did a crazy canine eat his piece right off of him? No one knows!

It could have been aliens, it could have been ghosts, I just know the next time I go on a bender I’m tying my penis down!

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